I am a peculiar person. The odds that one individual out of the 6.7 Billion humans on this earth will be Mormon is about 0.192% The odds of being both Mormon and Gay is roughly 0.013%. Needless to say I am an oddity. A minority. A pittance of concern compared to the earth. I have been told by my church and the gay community that reconciling these two facets of gay and Mormon is impossible. Yet I am trying to find a balance between these twin souls of mine. While some tell me that there is no middle ground, there is only black or white, a 1 or a 0 I can not believe them. So here I am stuck in the middle. Trying to discover the one true solution to the MoHo's Dilemma. A Japanese Proverb states that The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life. Many great people have spent their lives trying to find the Way, the Path, the Tao. I do not feel as if my life will be wasted if, after dedicating myself to the search, I left this world with no answer, but only if I keep looking for one. I might focus on activism, advocating for changes in opinion from botht he gay community and the church and its members. I might focus on the spiritual boulders that I face, trying to illustrate how I have overcome, traversed, skirted or submitted to them. I might, on occasion get personal and discuss events in my life as they relate to the MoHo's Dilemma. But I will always have my focus on finding perfection, on finding kanzen, the complete completeness, the absolute truth, the way, the life, the light, always my focus will be on trying to discover this middle path that I know exists
Showing posts with label Coming Out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Coming Out. Show all posts
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Revolution Will Not be Televised, It will be Networked!
I am sorry to say this but we are an infection, a plague upon the world. We are like a virus, spreading to each and every person, transmitting ourselves and our symptoms upon all those who "know" us. We are viral. 20 years ago we could never have dreamed of having such impact upon any stage, we would not have known of each others existence so profoundly, We would not have the power to infect others with knowledge about us that we currently have.
I was just on facebook and I saw this article by Jose Vargas, a political technology writer for the Washington post. I have followed his stuff concerning the rising generation and their impact on the political sphere and have greatly admired his work up till now. He has discussed many aspects of this virality (yes I meant that and not virility) that each and every one of us posses. He has discussed how, using the internet, citizens of Idaho got a huge amount of people supporting Obama. His newest article is entitled "Bloggers are changing the way the gay rights movement communicates."
This article shows how a group of people with no voice without the internet, now have a large voice in the white house and it is through this technology. We have the power to become like this group. We have the power to band together, to share our message with all that we know. The interesting thing about this is that this is a movement that is being propelled exponentially and it will not stop. This movement is like a stone cut without hands growing until it fills the whole earth. We are here, we have a voice, and we have more power than we know.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" - Nelson
We have the ability to become the city on the hill, the light uncovered, and as we share the light of that candle with others it does not diminish our own light, but increases the light of the whole. As we share our information, our knowledge, our stories with those around us we are illuminating the whole. We need to get up, to stand up, not to leave, but to speak. We need to share our stories with all those who will listen because who knows who the beating of our small butterfly wings will influence for the better. Who knows what torrential storm of change, what purifying force we can become. We will never know if we stay silent, but if we continue to stay silent then what becomes of us? We fade. We become worthless. So speak up, and share yourself with the world, do not limit yourself to the few circles of interactions that make up your life, but expand them for we are all members of the HUMAN race. We are all connected to each other.
I was just on facebook and I saw this article by Jose Vargas, a political technology writer for the Washington post. I have followed his stuff concerning the rising generation and their impact on the political sphere and have greatly admired his work up till now. He has discussed many aspects of this virality (yes I meant that and not virility) that each and every one of us posses. He has discussed how, using the internet, citizens of Idaho got a huge amount of people supporting Obama. His newest article is entitled "Bloggers are changing the way the gay rights movement communicates."
This article shows how a group of people with no voice without the internet, now have a large voice in the white house and it is through this technology. We have the power to become like this group. We have the power to band together, to share our message with all that we know. The interesting thing about this is that this is a movement that is being propelled exponentially and it will not stop. This movement is like a stone cut without hands growing until it fills the whole earth. We are here, we have a voice, and we have more power than we know.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" - Nelson
We have the ability to become the city on the hill, the light uncovered, and as we share the light of that candle with others it does not diminish our own light, but increases the light of the whole. As we share our information, our knowledge, our stories with those around us we are illuminating the whole. We need to get up, to stand up, not to leave, but to speak. We need to share our stories with all those who will listen because who knows who the beating of our small butterfly wings will influence for the better. Who knows what torrential storm of change, what purifying force we can become. We will never know if we stay silent, but if we continue to stay silent then what becomes of us? We fade. We become worthless. So speak up, and share yourself with the world, do not limit yourself to the few circles of interactions that make up your life, but expand them for we are all members of the HUMAN race. We are all connected to each other.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
My Resolve is like Iron
My New Years Resolutions:
Temporal Education:
Finish my BS in Political Science
Take the GRE
Apply for Graduate School at Brandeis University
Spiritual Education:
Read the D&C in its entirety
Read the NT with the complete Joseph Smith Translation
What resolution isn’t complete without goals for physical self-improvement?
Physical Goals:
Obtain my B09 in Foil or C09 in Sabre
Run a 5k without slowing down or stopping to catch my breath
Run a 10k.
Workout at least twice per week
Professional Goals:
Get a Job working with either FMCNA or nGenera
Service Goals:
India!
Clayton Musical (Peter Pan)
2 hours a week of Community Service
Orientation Goals:
Come to peace within myself within the Gospel and Homosexuality and the Church.
Visit the temple as often as I can.
Date
Temporal Education:
Finish my BS in Political Science
Take the GRE
Apply for Graduate School at Brandeis University
Spiritual Education:
Read the D&C in its entirety
Read the NT with the complete Joseph Smith Translation
What resolution isn’t complete without goals for physical self-improvement?
Physical Goals:
Obtain my B09 in Foil or C09 in Sabre
Run a 5k without slowing down or stopping to catch my breath
Run a 10k.
Workout at least twice per week
Professional Goals:
Get a Job working with either FMCNA or nGenera
Service Goals:
India!
Clayton Musical (Peter Pan)
2 hours a week of Community Service
Orientation Goals:
Come to peace within myself within the Gospel and Homosexuality and the Church.
Visit the temple as often as I can.
Date
Sunday, December 21, 2008
About Me
I am David. I am 19. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am Gay. I enjoy the values and principles of the Gospel. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs or live promiscuously. I have a dry and very random sense of humor. I Love CS Lewis as he is a fountain of knowledge and wisdom that has guided my life at times. I love reading. I enjoy Orson Scott Card, Hugh Nibley, Tolkien, JK Rowling, Stephanie Meyer and pretty much everything else I get my hands on. I have only not finished 3 books in my lifetime after starting them. They are The Work and the Glory, The Garrity Test, and The Golden Compass. I have since read the Golden Compass, but the others remain unread. Admitedly I haven't read all of my school textbooks. I follow a lot of random TV Shows, Heroes, Lost, Desperate Housewives, Chuck, Smallville, House and Numb3rs. I have a brain like a computer, I can recal the most trivial information ad nauseum and yet when you need to find something specific it takes a little while. I Love Musicals and if I had more confidence and less concern for financial stability would try to pursue a carreer in singing and acting. I am an avid Fencer and have competed on the national level and at the Junior Olympics. At one point I thought I wanted to spend my life in the Air Force Intelligence. I once passed out 9 times in 18 months with the best explination being acid reflux. I was onced suspended in 5th grade for giving another student a paperclip. I was expelled from High School one week before graduation, but was still able to graduate and walk for graduation, but I couldn't sing with my choir. I have an eclectic mix of Music on my iPod because I don't really like bands. I think that outside of the Beatles and the Beach Boys, no band has ever produced more than 7 or 8 great songs. So I seek out those songs and enjoy them, with little or no love for the band. I have only been to one rock concert and that was 6 months ago. I moved 9 times before I was 16, 6 of those before I was 7. I want to have kids someday. Kids that I can raise in the gospel of the Lord and watch in fear and anxiety as they grow up and face there own problems. Although I know I could be, I am not afraid of being bashed. I have never had hair longer than a missionary haircut until now. I love Dancing. I can Fake my way through most conversations. People turn to me for advice on crazy random things, relationships, counseling, philosophy and religion and I have given it out for so long that I think that I might be decent at it. I feel like a 24 year old stuck inside a 19 year old body. I wish respect was given regardless of age. I believe in meritocracy not nepotism. I enjoy Sun Tzu, Musashi, Macheavelli and Marx. In a past life I lived in the 19 twenty's and died of influenza in the 1930's. In another past life, I took part in the crusades. I love ancient civilizations. I love technology. I marvel at the fact that we have access to more information on a 2 GB flash drive than was house in the Library of Alexandria, and that if we had 25 GB's we would have more information than Jefferson had access to throughout his entire life. I have crappy handwritting and my typing skills aren't that much better. My life is housed on my computer, but if it blew up as well as any other hardware I owned, I would be OK becasue I compute in the Cloud. I will have completed 8 years of school in 6 by skipping my senior and freshmen years of High school and college respectfully. I am known to over extend a point even though I myself hate it. So that is me in a nutshell, Fell free to ask me anything because I feel that I am pretty open and tolerant to most any question and if I am not, you will never know.
David
David
My Story
My name is David. I am 19. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am also Gay. Trying to live both is a paradox. Eventually one must give way for the other and when that happens I feel that one of my twin souls, my Yin or Yang will be ripped from me, leaving me broken and useless. I know that I am not alone, and there are people on both sides of this paradox who are happy and complete with who they are. I am not yet one of them.
Being raised in the church, I grew up expecting to go on a mission, go to BYU, get Married, produce 4 kids, and live happily ever after. Looking back on my life, as early as the age of 7 I can remember feeling attracted to boys rather than girls, but I knew how I was meant to be, I knew the plan as described above and so I figured it would pass. I pushed those thoughts, those feelings to the back of my mind and forgot about them. I can remember distinct times when I felt I was gay, but those too I repressed. The first time that this idea of the perfect life for me was challenged was when I was 10. My parents started to fight and I realized that starting a family wasn't "happily ever after." At 12 I started looking at things differently, but I still hid the fact that I was gay from myself under many different layers and guises that I am still attempting to fully unravel and expose. just before I turned 13, my parents got divorced and I became and adult. (See here 1:38-3:00) At this time I began thinking like an adult, I comforted my mother, and my life became dedicated towards someone other than myself, and the repression got much deeper. At 16 I left home and moved back to Utah to finish my senior year of high school. I then, at 17, Went down to BYU, where free from the responsibilities of any adulthood that I had experienced prior, I started my adolescence. I started to rebel against all I had known in the church and yet still I repressed the knowledge that I was Gay even though my actions said otherwise. At 18 I eventually felt the guilt that was inevitable from my actions, and I confessed everything I had done to my BYU bishop, who told me that I wasn't Gay, just misguided, and then he let me finish out the week/semester at BYU before promptly throwing me out to my home ward and with no back up plan for school. I scrambled fast and left BYU, just barely getting into the University of Utah for fall of `07 I went to school there while working with my Bishop and former scoutmaster who is great, but who saw my problems differently than they really are. For a Year, I was the perfect member, I went to every meeting, read my scriptures, said my prayers, fasted, did my home teaching and was the most studious in my Sunday School class. I still hoped to go on a mission, get married, and have the whole picket fence with kids in the yard. I knew that my mission would be postponed, and so I extended to one of my best friends from BYU, a convert with very little in material wealth, an offer to pay for his mission. So did another family and so I was even covering the mission of one of my friends at the age of 19. One year after being removed from BYU, I was doing great, I thought I had everything on track, I would graduate in the summer of `09 and then go on my mission. I was headed for an internship in Washington DC when on the plane, my electronics batteries failed me and I was left to introspection. It hit me that It had been about one year and so I saw where I was before and presently. I realized that the motivation for coming clean to my bishop was the lack of feeling the spirit in my life, I still had yet to feel the spirit within that one year and I came to see that in actuality all I had learned was self-mastery. I hadn't really improved at all. After further introspection I realized that the problem was how I was looking at it. I saw 4 fingers because I was lloking at the problem when I should have seen eight by looking beyond the problem. I finnally realized I was Gay. I then over the course of 2 months spent some time coming out to anothergay intern who helped me appreciate myself and realize that I wasn't evil. I struggled with the paradox offered by this situation, and sought out help groups like North Star, but things didn't feel right. I rollercoasted between going to clubs and avoiding all contact with any gay or gay friendly person. I decided that I needed to come out to my parents and so I did and my Dad is very supportive of me being happy no matter what I chose, but my mother's opinion whose I value a lot, was such that she believed that I thought I was gay, and that even if I was, I still had to remain chaste and that was that. We still haven't talked me that much and I think it is best to hold off a little right now. She has a lot on her plate at present. A week before Thanksgiving I saw that things weren't working at all. I would try something and then fail, so I would try something else and fail. This created a vicious negative feedback loop that just kept building. I saw that whichever way I turned, A key part of me would be torn out and I kept tieing myself into a Gordian Knot. I created it in such a way that I saw the only way out was to slice the knot and to not choose between the two. This led to me taking some pills and ending up in the Psych ward. There I met a great shrink who actually listened to my situation and tried his best to understand the paradox of my situation. He touched upon a concept that got my mind working, and then My roommate, a devout Mormon RM who is great, said something that really put my mind into overdrive in seeing a way out. I do not remember what he said, but it got me to the point of realizing that I don't need the church and religion to worship God, that I can follow the 11th Article of Faith. This has put me in an interesting spot because I begin to see a disconnect between the Church and the Gospel. I am still in the process of assesing where the differences in minutia appear, but in seeing them I have begun to appreciate myself and my Lord far more than I ever have. I feel that this framework of worship that I am developing for myself is right for me. I feel this truth with the same feeling of rightness that was felt in knowing that the Lord lives and that He Attoned for me. I feel so strongly about this that I am staking my exhaltation on this. I know that I am lucky because once I realized that I was gay, I was okay with that, I was comfortable with that fact and although there are somtimes that I wish that I wasn't, I have been for the most part, free from the agony and anguish associated with discovery. I know that I have a long and uneasy road ahead of me and I hope to weather the road with as much sanity as possible. I hope to use this blog to connect with other MoHos regardless of where they stand on the issue of religion in their lives. I also hope to use this blog as a tool for those who are struggling out there with this, I want you to know that you are not alone, and that you are a good person, and that while it might feel so at times, there is never any reason to take your life, It is just NOT worth it. It is for that reason that I hide nothing about my identity here. This is my primary email address and the link to my facebook is my primary facebook, I am who I say I am and I want you to know that you don't need to suffer or struggle alone. If anyone ever wants to contact me, feel free to shoot me an email, I will respond and will try to offer my help as limited as it might be.
Being raised in the church, I grew up expecting to go on a mission, go to BYU, get Married, produce 4 kids, and live happily ever after. Looking back on my life, as early as the age of 7 I can remember feeling attracted to boys rather than girls, but I knew how I was meant to be, I knew the plan as described above and so I figured it would pass. I pushed those thoughts, those feelings to the back of my mind and forgot about them. I can remember distinct times when I felt I was gay, but those too I repressed. The first time that this idea of the perfect life for me was challenged was when I was 10. My parents started to fight and I realized that starting a family wasn't "happily ever after." At 12 I started looking at things differently, but I still hid the fact that I was gay from myself under many different layers and guises that I am still attempting to fully unravel and expose. just before I turned 13, my parents got divorced and I became and adult. (See here 1:38-3:00) At this time I began thinking like an adult, I comforted my mother, and my life became dedicated towards someone other than myself, and the repression got much deeper. At 16 I left home and moved back to Utah to finish my senior year of high school. I then, at 17, Went down to BYU, where free from the responsibilities of any adulthood that I had experienced prior, I started my adolescence. I started to rebel against all I had known in the church and yet still I repressed the knowledge that I was Gay even though my actions said otherwise. At 18 I eventually felt the guilt that was inevitable from my actions, and I confessed everything I had done to my BYU bishop, who told me that I wasn't Gay, just misguided, and then he let me finish out the week/semester at BYU before promptly throwing me out to my home ward and with no back up plan for school. I scrambled fast and left BYU, just barely getting into the University of Utah for fall of `07 I went to school there while working with my Bishop and former scoutmaster who is great, but who saw my problems differently than they really are. For a Year, I was the perfect member, I went to every meeting, read my scriptures, said my prayers, fasted, did my home teaching and was the most studious in my Sunday School class. I still hoped to go on a mission, get married, and have the whole picket fence with kids in the yard. I knew that my mission would be postponed, and so I extended to one of my best friends from BYU, a convert with very little in material wealth, an offer to pay for his mission. So did another family and so I was even covering the mission of one of my friends at the age of 19. One year after being removed from BYU, I was doing great, I thought I had everything on track, I would graduate in the summer of `09 and then go on my mission. I was headed for an internship in Washington DC when on the plane, my electronics batteries failed me and I was left to introspection. It hit me that It had been about one year and so I saw where I was before and presently. I realized that the motivation for coming clean to my bishop was the lack of feeling the spirit in my life, I still had yet to feel the spirit within that one year and I came to see that in actuality all I had learned was self-mastery. I hadn't really improved at all. After further introspection I realized that the problem was how I was looking at it. I saw 4 fingers because I was lloking at the problem when I should have seen eight by looking beyond the problem. I finnally realized I was Gay. I then over the course of 2 months spent some time coming out to anothergay intern who helped me appreciate myself and realize that I wasn't evil. I struggled with the paradox offered by this situation, and sought out help groups like North Star, but things didn't feel right. I rollercoasted between going to clubs and avoiding all contact with any gay or gay friendly person. I decided that I needed to come out to my parents and so I did and my Dad is very supportive of me being happy no matter what I chose, but my mother's opinion whose I value a lot, was such that she believed that I thought I was gay, and that even if I was, I still had to remain chaste and that was that. We still haven't talked me that much and I think it is best to hold off a little right now. She has a lot on her plate at present. A week before Thanksgiving I saw that things weren't working at all. I would try something and then fail, so I would try something else and fail. This created a vicious negative feedback loop that just kept building. I saw that whichever way I turned, A key part of me would be torn out and I kept tieing myself into a Gordian Knot. I created it in such a way that I saw the only way out was to slice the knot and to not choose between the two. This led to me taking some pills and ending up in the Psych ward. There I met a great shrink who actually listened to my situation and tried his best to understand the paradox of my situation. He touched upon a concept that got my mind working, and then My roommate, a devout Mormon RM who is great, said something that really put my mind into overdrive in seeing a way out. I do not remember what he said, but it got me to the point of realizing that I don't need the church and religion to worship God, that I can follow the 11th Article of Faith. This has put me in an interesting spot because I begin to see a disconnect between the Church and the Gospel. I am still in the process of assesing where the differences in minutia appear, but in seeing them I have begun to appreciate myself and my Lord far more than I ever have. I feel that this framework of worship that I am developing for myself is right for me. I feel this truth with the same feeling of rightness that was felt in knowing that the Lord lives and that He Attoned for me. I feel so strongly about this that I am staking my exhaltation on this. I know that I am lucky because once I realized that I was gay, I was okay with that, I was comfortable with that fact and although there are somtimes that I wish that I wasn't, I have been for the most part, free from the agony and anguish associated with discovery. I know that I have a long and uneasy road ahead of me and I hope to weather the road with as much sanity as possible. I hope to use this blog to connect with other MoHos regardless of where they stand on the issue of religion in their lives. I also hope to use this blog as a tool for those who are struggling out there with this, I want you to know that you are not alone, and that you are a good person, and that while it might feel so at times, there is never any reason to take your life, It is just NOT worth it. It is for that reason that I hide nothing about my identity here. This is my primary email address and the link to my facebook is my primary facebook, I am who I say I am and I want you to know that you don't need to suffer or struggle alone. If anyone ever wants to contact me, feel free to shoot me an email, I will respond and will try to offer my help as limited as it might be.
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