Sunday, June 14, 2009

Lust vs. Love

I understand that Homosexuality isn’t all about sex. I intrinsically understand that because in my life it is about more than just sex. However this past week one of my friends, we will call him Chekov, challenged my assumptions and forced me to try and describe why it was about more than sex. Granted he didn’t say to me “Prove it to me” but because of his line of questioning I feel the need to demonstrate to him that homosexuality is about more than just sex.

It gets difficult because Chekov’s own personal experiences have taught him that homosexuality is about lust and not about love. You see he, after living outside of Utah with his boyfriend, that homosexuality was entirely a temptation from Satan and so now he is preparing for his mission and eventual (traditional) marriage. I went to high school with Chekov and so we have talked once before and after that conversation I felt that I had to try to understand Satan’s role in homosexuality. Now I don’t want to try to persuade him from his path because I respect his decision, but I am trying to understand his view while trying to get my view across to him.

In our discussion we distinguished that there are two choices of action and that each one leads us closer to heaven or hell. There is the Animal and the Divine. As humans we are uniquely placed in between the two trying to navigate towards heaven or hell and as C.S. Lewis says “All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations.” This is something else that after much study I have come to understand deeply.

Our discussion led to understanding where different actions fell on this binary spectrum. We both agreed that sex outside of marriage falls into the Animal category. Barring extenuating circumstances, ie a catholic woman in South America beaten by her husband who then left but she can’t get married because she can’t be divorced and so she finds someone whom she can spend her life with and commits to that man. When it came to homosexuality, Chekov believes that all sexual acts including those within a civil marriage are all about lust, I believe that just like sex within traditional marriage, sex within a gay marriage can be both Lustful and Loving depending upon the circumstances.

As I tried to explain why I felt this distinction as opposed to his view, I struggled to grasp a way to vocalize what I felt inside. I tried to paint the picture by stating “What do you think would happen if I were to find a husband that I committed myself to celibately? What would happen from the Church’s standpoint? Would that still be a sin?” I was trying to get the image across that what I find lacking, where I find I need a helpmeet is in more than just sex, but that sex is something that can, when used appropriately, bring a relationship closer together.

I was able to state this in a somewhat fumbling manner after which he informed me that I could find a helpmeet and that for men that helpmeet was a woman. The two naturally compliment each other because they are


opposites that together form a whole being. I agree with this, however after this talk I looked beyond the physical nature of this and look at myself and my characteristics I discover that given this Yin-Yang model, with Yin (male) and Yang (female) complimenting each other to make up for the weaknesses of one another, that I as Yin have a large mixture of Black within the White. My half of the circle is comprised not of a single color with a spot of the other, but a hodgepodge of black and white that, in order to create a full circle of equal black and white I need to find someone with an opposite pattern.

For me, finding a woman with whom my mental, spiritual, and emotional characteristics are in line is extremely difficult because we are two similar and in trying to find a man to whom I could give my mind, spirit, and heart to is also difficult because they are also too similar. That is why it seems that only other gay men can fulfill the hole in my soul; only a gay man can be the helpmeet for me.

I have tried to imagine what I would do if I did find “the right girl,” who was the right Yang to my Yin, because then the only hang-up would be sex and then I would be sacrificing love for lust and living like an Animal if I were to give that girl up. Would it be Animal of me to give up looking for that girl and find a man whom I could commit my life to?

What are your thoughts? This is directed mostly to those partners in a marriage either Gay or Mixed-orientation, Is it possible to have the completeness of Love in either circumstance or am I doomed to a life close to whole but still lacking a helpmeet?
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  1. David, I think I will attempt a more detailed answer later, when it is not quite so late:) But for now, I will leave a brief and possibly incomplete answer. I have been married 24 years to a wonderfully loving and forgiving wife. When my physical and spiritual are in balance, sexually our relationship is good and sufficient. Emotionally, I cannot imagine not having her by my side.

    One aspect that she cannot fulfill, however, is my need to have positive male relationships. Something missing in my nature requires the affirming love and acceptance from other males. I can receive this in a number of ways that I am only recently beginning to understand.

    Excellent questions.

  2. I know I wasn't meant to respond to this as I am not married, but I feel very much upon the same lines as you. It is a complete circle of needs that being with a woman doesn't fulfill for me, I try to be emotionally attached to women like I am with men and my life crumbles and I feel hollow and fake. There is an element besides lust and friendship that make a viable relationship, I just don't know how to describe it.

  3. That had to have been a very frustrating conversation to have. It's hard to convey accurately and honestly something you know to be true to someone who believes the exact opposite.

    I liked you're whole ying to the yang situation, that rang true for me and the experiences I've had.

    My two cents on the lust vs love: I know that my desire for a male better-half goes beyond sex because I have been single, open to dating a boy, and celibate for a year now. Placed in a position to have meaningless sex, I don't think I would be able to allow myself to do it. Sex is the highest form of respect and trust that you can SHARE with someone. Some people have a one track mind, though. For those people homosexuality = strange sexual actions (i.e. Chris Buttars's remarks) Those people tend to be the most unwilling to look outside of the perspective they've been shown, and the most difficult to have a conversation with, so I commend you on your courage to have that uncomfortable conversations with Chekov.

  4. I've thought a lot about this lately. I've been married for about five years to a wonderful woman that I love very much, what I lack however is the element of lust for my wife. Don't get me wrong I find her very attractive and I enjoy being intimate with her. Is living with that type of situation ideal, probably not, but it is working for now.

    I guess my response to your friend when he says homosexual relationships are about sex, I would say of course they are, just as much heterosexual relationships are about sex. You can't tell me that all of the marriages performed in the temple are only out of the purest form of love lacking any lust, yeah right. 90% of those guys getting married 4 months after their mission just want to get some.

    Love must temper lust into a controlled expression of emotion. Why must homosexual men defend their love any more than a heterosexual man does his? I'm not sure what experiences your friend had while he was living with his BF, but it has obviously influenced his opinion on the subject, but just because he found the relationship purely lustful doesn't mean you or someone else couldn't find one that combines the two in a harmonious combination.

    The question is, I guess, does homosexual love equal or approximate heterosexual love? It is certainly not a question that I can answer, or think I should. It is an individual determination and I find it curious when that decision is made by a third party.

  5. Is being gay a choice?

  6. @Anonymous
    no, but behaviors are.

  7. All of the homos that are married to girls are living a big fat ass lies and stupid like a retard.

  8. David, listen to your heart, instead of these losers writing commenting about them married to a women, it's a bunch of bullshits.

    Honestly, Most of the homos that are married to women are very miserable and Hideous lies plus u only have one life to live.

  9. I have met several gays married to women (known as MOM's BTW) Some of these people discovered their sexuality after marriage, do you think they should split up just to live their own lives? what about their kids? There are those who get married full well what their orientation is and I think that they are some of the people who's desire to do what they feel/have been taught is right is so strong that they are willing to sacrifice themselves for their family. Anyone who comes onto my blog and posts crap like this anonymously should look for another blog to troll.

  10. are you gay or Bi? confused?

  11. I am a married gay guy. And given that my marriage sucks, and I'm perpetually wanting to be with guys, i wouldn't do it again. Not all of us know how gay or bi we are at the ripe age of 25. I've never had a relationship with a guy, so I couldn't tell you what there is to it. But, I'm pretty sure that love and lust are very possible on both side, given that I've felt both for my wife.

  12. Many choices in life are black and white. It becomes difficult because people are gray. We're a combination of good and bad. That being said, one of the best decisions I've made in my life is to form a lasting monogamous relationship with my boyfriend. We've been together for four years this August.

    A relationship needs both love and lust to survive. I'm happy to say that Aaron inspires both in me. Being in this relationship, I don't have to sacrifice either one.

    The people who make black/white statements are those who haven't had enough experience in life. How can anyone say that all gay/straight relationships are based on love or lust?

    We're all humans and all feel the same motivations, emotions, and thoughts. Gay people are not different animals. Your friend believing that gay relationships are based on lust is just as correct as saying black people aren't as smart, or all Germans are nazis. It isn't true. It's making homosexuals to be a different kind of species. We work on all the same rules as straight people.