Sunday, May 31, 2009

Is Celestial Glory Possible with a Committed Gay Relationship?

Recently I have been asked and wondering myself “How can I honestly believe that I can enter the celestial kingdom with after living a life with a male partner, given the absolute truth of every facet that the LDS church currently teaches?” I think that I finally have a coherent enough answer to get out on the interwebs.

The Apostle Thomas.

When you first read that name what did you think of? Most will say “Doubting Thomas.” That is, after all what he is most known for by us. However, this is only one of his actions that should cause us to reflect on the Apostle. When Christ wanted to return to Judea, knowing that he probably would be murdered there, Thomas said to the others, "Let us all go that we might die with him." But Thomas was not remembered for this bravery. His claim to fame came later when he refused to acknowledge the resurrection. He just couldn't wrap his mind around it. The story goes that he needed to touch Jesus' wounds to be convinced. Among us he is known as doubting Thomas, the apostle who lacked faith. He is looked upon mostly with, dare I say, contempt at his lack of faith in the resurrected Lord. However, Thomas did believe in Christ and through that belief, he “might have life through [Christ's] name.

While we often see Thomas as the doubter, I have to wonder how Christ looks upon him. “For the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart”. I think that Thomas, given his track record of willing sacrifice, to lay down his life for the Lord, as well as his ministry as an apostle of God that he is, even with his doubt is guaranteed a place at the right hand of God. I think that the Lord looks upon us and our hearts and sees our actions and why we did them and that is one facet of how we will be judged and found lacking at the last day, and that it is the measure by which Christ will intercede for us on judgment day.

In almost all cases, our lives will be weighed, much like the imagery of the Egyptians, and on one side will be our mistakes and sins, and on the other our positive actions. And while our positive actions alone cannot open the gates of heaven, they can demonstrate a willingness to follow Christ and serve him through serving our fellow man. The one case that I know of in which this is NOT the case is in my ancestor of the heart David son of Jesse.

David was refined and trained throughout his life. He was groomed for his position later in life through several key stages in his development before he became king. And while they were not easy and were serious trials, his perseverance allowed him to become an elect of God. As a sheppard he learned to contemplate on life, and become introspective about himself and his Father in Heaven as he was tending his flocks. As a courtier, he learned self-control, charity, and chivalrous courtesy for those around him. As an outlaw he learned much concerning human nature, particularly with regard to human nature. Each of these stages of life prepared him and sent him through the refiners fire, out of which he became a man after the Lord’s “own heart.” He became the one through whom the line of kings and the king of kings would come forth.

As we all know David sinned with Bathsheba, which was one sin along a path that lead to the murder of Uriah. However David, because of his contrite heart was able to find forgiveness for his sins, all but the murder of Uriah. Because of his time spent ruling righteously, for uniting Israel, and through following the Spirit of Christ, David was granted forgiveness for all BUT the second greatest sin. And even with the second greatest sin left unforgiven and the third greatest sin washed clean, David only lost his exaltation, but he was promised that he would not spend eternity in hell, but would be brought forth into the glory of our father who art in heaven.

So given the examples of Thomas and David, I believe that even if living with a man to whom I am committed for my life is an abomination, that while I might not achieve exaltation, if I dedicate my life towards the two great commandments and devote my life to following Christ through serving my fellow man, and living with a humble and contrite heart, that even with a partner I can achieve Celestial Glory. I still do not know if I really want a male partner in this life yet, it is something that I am still deciding, but if this mindset that I have had the past week continues then I could see myself dating guys regularly by mid-July.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

NOM, Get some sense

No offense, but the ad above from NOM, besides being misleading, FAILS at what it is trying to do. Realistically these guys are trying to create a campaign of traditional marriage activists. If this is their goal, then why did they start off with "Massachusetts schools teach second graders that boys can marry other boys." In any ad you should start with your strongest point first and this one is over my head. They should be outraged and focused on how gay marriage is being taught in the second grade, but not voice it as if what they are teaching isn't fact.
FACT: It is legal, in Massachusetts, for boys to marry other boys.
FACT: Second graders in Massachusetts are also learning about land masses, and most likely pangea.

That is not what the bible says happened and so are groups not in uproar about that? Because they realize that we do not live in the great society where the state is raising their kids. They relaize that they have an obligation to teach their children that they believe differently than what the schools teach. The same thing applies with Gay marriage, all the teachers are doing is stating fact. 2 Men can get married. It is a parents responsibility to raise their child and teach them the beliefs that they hold dear. If you, as a massachusetts parent believe that gay marriage is wrong then tell your kids that by all means. Tell them that you believe that marriage is defined by God as between 1 man and 1 woman. I actively encourage that. But the schools in Massachusetts are NOT teaching that Gay Marriage is how marriage should be, they are stating how it is... the facts.
That two men Can and Will get married in Massachusetts.

The second part of their propaganda was how a field trip was taken to city hall to see a gay wedding and it seen as a teachable moment. I have not been able to find the article in question, but it seems as if it was a teachable moment. Just like the JFK assasination, the Civil Rights Marches, the first interracial marriage, September 11th, September 12th, and November 5th were all teachable moments. They, like all moments in time are teachable. These times however taught us lessons of tolerance an that is what was being taught in California. At that time Gay Marriage was legal, it was a moment when two men could get married and the fact that those 18,000 marriages are still legal tells us that it is still a valid teachable moment becuase these kids were being taught about an historical event and about tolerance for others whose views may differ from yours substantially. If that is wrong, then what is right? Complete war against those that are different? Re-criminalization of homosexuality?

I can understand how the fear of a school teaching your child that gay marraige is ok can be scary and frightening, but at that time it wasn't wrong (in the eyes of the state, a part of which the school is). It may have been wrong to God, but that doesn't mean that that viewpoint should be taught in schools. There is a seperation of church and state for a reason.

The last attack that they state is " the rights of people who believe marriage means a man and a woman will no longer matter." First off even if they were right and Gay Marriage did take away the definition of straight marriage (I know it is hyperbole), why is it that their right to define marriage is greater than ours? The other aspect of this attack is that it is not going to change the fact that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. Nothing can. Nothing wants to. Those advocating for equality are seeking equal marriage for everyone, including straight people.

The last part thing that I have a problem with is the actor. I really hope the audition tapes for this one get leaked too! Oh Boy! This male voice artist really doesn't do a good job at selling the story that they are going for. So for now I am grateful that NOM has a horrible sense of taste, truth and Public Relations, But I hope they keep it up because it is only helping the equality cause.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Shame On Us

Today I had a lunch meeting with an old friend at the U. While we were ruminating on the extent and expanse of the nations political failings, we hit on one theme. Humans are afraid of shame and cannot accept failure. I am going to focus on the shame aspect today. Granted we can work to overcome this failing, but an overarching theme of human nature is this fear of shame.

Shame is something that drives us more powerfully than anything. We fear shame more that death. Doubt me? Think about seppeku, Oedipus, Caesar, your average teen suicide, and even Adam. If you think about it, Adam hid his shame using fig leaves, but ultimately he choose to leave the Garden, leave life itself, separate himself from God, from his life in order to help Eve bear her shame. Adam knew that if he ate of the fruit he would surely die and yet he did it. Why? I think it is because he could not bear the shame of being alone, the shame of having his help meet (whom he was partly responsible for) dieing. This shame was so much that he, like his descendants after him, took his own life twice because of the shame.

How often do we let shame control our lives? How often do we lie to cover up embarrassing moments? Why? If we are aware that no one is perfect, why do we continue to put on airs of perfection? To impress others? To impress ourselves? To lull ourselves into a delusion that we are better than we are? What would happen if we all began to be honest about our mistakes and admit when we are wrong? What if President Clinton had been honest and said, "Yeah I smoked Pot" or "Yes I did have sex with that woman" What if President Bush had come out and said, "I made a mistake, I goofed, I acted irrationally and sent our troops into war without accurate information" Wouldn't we be able to better make decisions and not carry about so much pain and anguish in our own lives?

If we would simply be honest with each other, with ourselves, honest with everyone, wouldn't life be so much better? After all, why do we lie? Why is it that when we are asked "does this dress make me look fat?" we all know that the answer is "no, you look beautiful"? Isn't it to not cause that person shame by lying? Isn't it better to be honest, because that way there is no shame?

Just some interesting thoughts I figured I would pass along. Let me know what you think!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Bridging the Divide - A Shot at Redemption for All

Statement from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

SALT LAKE CITY 26 May 2009

Today's decision by the California Supreme Court is welcome. The issue the court decided was whether California citizens validly exercised their right to amend their own constitution to define marriage as between a man and a woman. The court has overwhelmingly affirmed their action.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints recognizes the deeply held feelings on both sides, but strongly affirms its belief that marriage should be between a man and a woman. The bedrock institution of marriage between a man and a woman has profound implications for our society. These implications range from what our children are taught in schools to individual and collective freedom of religious expression and practice.

Accordingly, the Church stands firmly for what it believes is right for the health and well-being of society as a whole. In doing so, it once again affirms that all of us are children of God, and all deserve to be treated with respect. The Church believes that serious discussion of these issues is not helped when extreme elements on both sides of the debate demonize the other.

So above is the Official church statement concerning the California Supreme Court ruling regarding the legality of Prop 8. Let’s review and move on from there.

First off, the line that gets me (and shows me that there might be hope if worded and approached right) is this line “The bedrock institution of marriage between a man and a woman has profound implications for our society. These implications range from what our children are taught in schools to individual and collective freedom of religious expression and practice.”From this line it is clear that one of the church’s large fears is the oppression of religion by becoming labeled as bigots and the oppression of the church as a hate group for speaking their views (which I believe they are entitled to have and speak). It shows that they also fear the implications of public education concerning homosexuality and in today’s world where parents are suing schools over a Harvey Milk presentation (I honestly think that this is about as retarded as the woman who sued Winnebago for not stating that when on cruise control you had to remain in the seat, but that is another matter entirely), they are right to be scared, as am I.

I can completely agree with the issue in schools and think that, for now, any legislation put forth concerning the legalization of Gay marriage needs to explicitly prohibit the planned teaching of homosexuality without parents consent. Let’s face it there are times when the teacher has to buckle down and answer a pestering child’s question that shouldn’t be included. This should be in place throughout elementary school and maybe into middle school, but lifted by High School where we are (supposedly) teaching students how to think critically and challenge the facts that they are being taught.

I also think that express religious considerations should be put in place just like Gov. Lynch put forth in the New Hampshire legislature. Religious protections already guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution BTW. Granted would this change the Church’s political position regarding legislative movements, but it would 1. Force them to come out into the open and state, “We think homosexuality is wrong and we are going to legislate religion,” and 2. it would provide us with many supporters who are swayed by the misinformation regarding these campaigns (see Gathering Storm for further proof of outlandish claims).

The one line that I love in this Press Release is “The Church believes that serious discussion of these issues is not helped when extreme elements on both sides of the debate demonize the other.” This is wonderful for two reasons. The first, because I think it is insanely wrong to demonize the other side. After-all, if we look at them objectively we can recognize their fears and faults within ourselves and, although a lesser degree, we cannot hate them for their stance that they believe is right, if we do then we run the risk of losing our ground that our stance, the we believe, is right. Second and most important is, “serious discussion of these issues.” This Press Release shows that they are willing to have a serious discussion, a discussion in which each side is treated with respect and dignity, a serious discussion whose goal is to come to at least a mutual understanding and become educated regarding each other, and at best a legitimate compromise that both parties can live with.

This gives me hope and I call upon the Church Leadership to offer to have some sort of conference or seminar or workshop of some sort that is either open to the public and accessible for an internet audience, or to invite leadership of several differing levels of MoHo groups that could come and listen to the Church’s view, in detail regarding homosexuality. A seminar where we would mostly listen and ask questions sparingly. This same model should be utilized by a coalition of MoHo groups to invite church leadership to where we can express our views, our beliefs, our interpretations and translations of scripture. A conference where the Church Leadership from local bishops to President Monson are invited to attend and listen and help us understand. A conference meant to bridge the divide between us so that, while we might not be one group, at least there is some connection, some understanding between the groups so that so many no longer feel like they need to hang a millstone around their necks rather than struggle with inconsistent understanding of how the gospel applies to them and how they can be both Gay and a loved Child of God.

I do not know who should take the first step and if there were more organization between MoHo groups I would suggest that we make the first move and hold a conference first, but I feel as if, because we are disorganized for now, (Scott how is that website coming :p) because, let’s face it, it takes a lot to get them to come down from their mountain, as Affirmation knows all too well. But because I feel we need to make the first step I suggest that we draft a form letter (Alan, perhaps you could check it for neutrality) that we all send to the First Presidency, a letter intended to ask for such a conference here in Salt lake to be hosted by them, a letter that states our desire to have a “serious discussion of these issues” without gall or bitterness. If we were to send these to the First Presidency, our local leaders, our friends and perhaps family members in leadership positions, the news (both local and national), and is we continue to come out and educate the members around us then perhaps they will grant us an audience.

I can’t help but feel as if this is one of the purposes and uses for the blog network that we have. I feel that with all of our connections to Affirmation, Northstar, Sunstone, The Gay Escape, MorMenLikeMe, Family Fellowship, GYLA, LDS Reconciliation, LDS Reasources, and individual high profile MoHo’s (to some degree) we have a chance at bringing our side together into an active coalition seeking more information, more light, more knowledge more truth. I also believe that with our connections to high profile LDS leaders with just 2 or 3 steps removed at maximum that we will be able to get the word out. I feel as if this is something that we need to do, if not for marriage equality then at least to help bridge the divide and save lives.

P.S Because my connections are small and I have a relatively smaller readership, feel free to re-post this or link to it on your blog or website (Scott? ... Abelard?... Clark?... Anyone?). I really think this is something we should do and I hope you guys agree. Let me know what you think and if you have any suggestions about logistics or said form letter.

P.P.S. If this is all naive ramblings of someone who "high" from his first protest then please also feel free to ignore this post, BTW the rally was great but shouting "separate church and state" near the Church Office Building and temple square felt... idk, wrong? Does that make any sense?

Monday, May 25, 2009

It's all Greek to me

So next time you are bible bashing with someone regarding homosexuality, make sure that you dont say that Christ doesn't mention homosexuality in the bible. First off this will get you pulled into one of their traps of "Well he didn't mention rape either so then that's okay right?" Instead say well actually Christ, in his infinite knowledge predicted the increase of public knowledge pertaining to homosexuals and that they too are his children and will be saved. When they look at you in doubt and confusion, reach for your handy KJV and turn to Luke 17:34. When asked when he shall come again, Christ answers in part "I tell you, in that night [that he shall come] there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left." (emphasis included in original)

This scripture is talking about the "rapture" and those taken are those saved (according to most scholars although there is some debate). This scripture is sure to catch them off guard and force them to whip out the classic Article of Faith 8 "We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God." They will most likely tell you that there is a problem with the translation, which admitedly there probably is (something to do with the overtly masculine language we english speakers use, although I wondder how this will read in the LDS Spanish Bible?). However, you just got them to tell you that the direct reading of the bible might be wrong and it is necessary to go back to the greek (whch implies that they are a male/female couple), This opens them up for the Hebrew To'eba and the Greek Aresnokoites arguments that are much better, although perhaps the greek is wrong and it did mean two gays in bed, and then the next verse really did mean two girls "grinding."

Thanks Liberal Mormon Who Could for the idea.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Seperation of Church & Gay - The Sound of Settling

You know those times when you are asked to prepare a talk or a lesson and you have the distinct feeling that the preparation of said lesson is more important than the actual deliverance of it? Usually that is what is said if no one listens, shows up, or if you end up not giving it for some reason, but ever so often, one comes around where you know it was the guiding hand of the lion for you to prepare that talk or lesson.

Well I had one of those experiences today. Last night I was asked at 6:30 PM to prepare a lesson for Sunday school today. (First off, I am a member of this class and so teaching it is … awkward, Second I was asked just under 18 hours before. These are one of the 2 things I hate about UT Mormon culture BTW, but that is another post entirely) Today, after preparing the lesson, I got to my class to be confronted with one other member, someone who has had 1/3 of his brain removed and is now… how to put this nicely… his place in the Celestial kingdom is assured. So besides having the prompting all throughout my preparations last night, it was confirmed today that this lesson was meant for me to learn a great deal from. And I did.

My Patriarchal blessing states a couple of things about the celestial kingdom that have, since coming out, left me feeling down. For instance it states “Through your honest effort and the gift of Jesus Christ you will be able to inherit eternal glory, with your eternal companion, in the celestial kingdom where glory and happiness never end.” Looking at this in context of my homosexuality it as left me kind of depressed that I will not be able to enter the celestial kingdom or it has galvanized me to believing that the celestial kingdom can be shared with an eternal same-sex companion. Largely it has led me to become depressed, feeling like I will be destined to live in the terrestrial kingdom (a great place) and knowing that I could have had celestial glory. This thought process is interesting because of the section right before this in my blessing that states “You will be acutely aware that you are not perfect and have faults, but never let this bring you down, for Satan wants you to think that you are just not good enough to return to Heavenly Father in the Celestial kingdom.”

What was interesting was the fact that the lesson I was to prepare was “Kingdoms of Glory,” and it talked all about the 3 kingdoms and Outer Darkness. I was planning on having to teach the high school juniors and seniors as well so I prepared to have a dumb down basics version with deep thought questions should the basics not be enough. Well in going over everything I was focusing on things I had questions about, largely progression between kingdoms and whether there were 3 or infinite kingdoms of glory. It wasn’t until I was in the car with my brother-in-law (another blog post concerning him is forthcoming) and I mentioned the last minute assignment that he, in his infinite trivia-focused mind, asked “what is the only thing required to enter the celestial kingdom?” I in my depressed state offered the answer of “temple marriage.” I was wrong. Turns out the only ordinance (what he meant by thing I am sure) is baptism (which everyone will have BTW). That is the only physical ordinance required for entrance into the celestial kingdom. This struck me as odd until I remembered, like a big dumb idiot, that there is a difference between Celestial Glory and Exaltation.

All too often we in the church lump celestial glory and exaltation together. I heard it told to me by my bishop’s daughter while we were talking over everything earlier this week when she asked me if I would sacrifice the celestial kingdom by marrying a man? Granted I don’t know if she was confusing exaltation and celestial glory, but when she said it I sure combined the two, leaving me with “if I marry a man I inherit Terrestrial glory at the greatest.” I think this is one of the reasons I have been so depressed and confused concerning the possibility of exalted homosexual partners.

I have spent a lot of time contemplating and conceptualizing a way for there to be exalted same-sex partners (males at least, sorry ladies something about priesthood power). The one hang-up I had was something that I had thought of and no one has yet to point it out as a possibility for an error in my logical approach but me. Given that Intelligences are called forth into spirits by priesthood power, then there really needs to be no eternal sex, meaning no eternal need for opposite only exalted couples. The problem comes in with the creation of man. Now, because sex in general is a taboo word let alone eternal sex as a topic in Sunday School there is little proof for this, but I wonder where Adam came from. 3 theories have presented themselves to me, largely because the mud man principle doesn't make sense as literal and must be symbolic.

1, Evolution within the "6 days" happened as Darwin claimed it did with the body of what is now Homo Erectus evolving out of primordial ooze into chimps into homo erectus and when Heavenly Father/Jehovah breathed the Spirit Michael into the body it became Adam (man, Homo Sapien). 2, the Body of man was transplanted from another species from another planet, as prophets believe happened with all other life on earth, and then filled with the spirit becoming Adam. 3, Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother had sex and due to their perfected resurrected bodies created a perfect human in the image of God that was quickened with the spirit of Michael and then raised in the Garden (or sprang forth fully formed), then after the fall (namely the partaking of the fruit) the body became mortal and thus no longer perfected.

The second approach seems to not work because then Man was created in the image of Heavenly Father's relative and not him and regardless it had to start somewhere. Number 1 is more plausible and in fact could probably happen (it does explain dinosaurs) and we are after the image of our father due to the breathing in of the spirit which changes us from Homo Erectus into Homo Sapiens. However, a part of it hasn’t set well with me and only the third option really works in my mind, but it has two flaws, one it precludes a same gender God companionship, hence the difficulty, and it doesn’t explain how things originally began with the first God, but this one is explained away by the “it doesn’t have a beginning” principle that our mere mortal minds can not grasp. So I have been left with this one possibility, the 3rd approach, that doesn’t fit for me, meaning I have to marry against my orientation or not enter into celestial glory. At least that was my thought process, depressing I know!

The amazing part of this entire lesson learning experience happened in realizing and remembering the difference between a Celestial Glory and Exaltation. I might be the only one who crosses these together as one but I know that it has made me depressed because of this (thanks Satan!). Exaltation is not meant for everyone. It is an Eternal weight of Glory. Think of how infinitely difficult it would be to sit and watch as your only begotten son suffered everything for all of us and you had the power to stop it and save your son. Melvin J. Ballard put it best here

God heard the cry of His Son in that moment of great grief and agony, in the garden when, it is said the pores of His body opened and drops of blood stood upon Him, and He cried out: “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me.”

I ask you, what father and mother could stand by and listen to the cry of their children in distress, in this world, and not render aid and assistance? …

He [Heavenly Father] saw that Son finally upon Calvary; He saw His body stretched out upon the wooden cross; He saw the cruel nails driven through hands and feet, and the blows that broke the skin, tore the flesh, and let out the life’s blood of His Son. He looked upon that.

In the case of our Father, the knife was not stayed, but it fell, and the life’s blood of His Beloved Son went out. His Father looked on with great grief and agony over His Beloved Son, until there seems to have come a moment, when even our Savior cried out in despair: “My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me?”

In that hour I think I can see our dear Father behind the veil looking upon these dying struggles until even He could not endure it any longer; and, like the mother who bids farewell to her dying child, has to be taken out of the room so as not to look upon the last struggles, so He bowed His head, and hid in some part of His universe, His great heart almost breaking for the love that He had for His Son. Oh, in that moment when He might have saved His Son, I thank Him and praise Him that He did not fail us, for He had not only the love of His Son in mind, but He also had love for us.

Parents out there I know you have felt a taste of this in parenthood and it is bitter-sweet. Imagine the Eternal weight of that. Now so often we are taught to seek after exaltation and hey I think we should, but also too often we view it as exaltation or failure, that if we give up striving for exaltation we are settling for sin, but in the infinite love that our Father has for us we know that it is not, even if I lose sight of it sometimes.

I can fully accept the possibility that I might not be meant for exaltation. I do not even know if it is something that I want. I do know that I want celestial glory and seek to live with Heavenly Father and will strive to accomplish that goal, but it doesn’t require a temple marriage. It only requires giving all we have in the service of God and Christ, in the service of our fellow men. This is why I love this C.S. Lewis quote so much.

It may be possible for each of us to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too deeply about that of his neighbour. The load, or weight, or burden, of my neighbour's glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you may talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and corruption such as you now meet if at all only in a nightmare. All day long we are in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in light of these overwhelming possibilities it is with awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry,snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours.This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of the kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinners--no mere tolerance, or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat, the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden.

This quote so exemplifies the goal of all those who seek to enter the Celestial Kingdom and return to his presence. Love the Lord they God and Love thy neighbor as thyself. Things which I, in a committed Gay relationship, could accomplish.

Given the distinction between Exaltation and Celestial Glory, and the difficult simplicity with which we can enter into the celestial kingdom, I can see an easy path for broader acceptance of homosexuality in the church. It might simply be that both parties are right. That exaltation is meant for a traditional couple and that the act of eternal procreation is a key facet in the eternities, in becoming gods and goddesses, in exaltation. It could also be right that Heavenly Father, in his infinite love, would not place so many of his children in a situation that, particularly for those who are not born into this church, is so easy to not return to him and instead has a distinct plan for his GBLT children in the Celestial Kingdom, and not cut off from their families in a lesser glory. It depends entirely on the willingness of each individual to accept the doctrine of Christ and do all that is necessary and within their power to follow him. To focus on those who are downtrodden, heavy-laden, with their arms hanging low and bring them up through service and love. To focus on keeping all of the commandments that we can, ie. Word of Wisdom, Law of Chastity, and Tithing.

Perhaps it is our mission, perhaps only mine, to follow in the footsteps of John (Young Stranger) and continue going to church and remaining as active as possible even after excommunication. Perhaps we should, when comfortable and impressed by the spirit, bear our testimonies to our wards. Because if we leave then the leaders of the Church can simply ignore us and quite possibly Heavenly Father will as well. And the Members will, as all too often happens when someone leaves the church, discount all that we say and will not listen to the truth that we testify of, the truth that we know in our hearts that God loves all of his children, even us and that we all have the chance for Celestial Glory. But if we come out, come out en masse, come out in our wards and stay active amidst the storm, be the resource that our ward members can come to, to learn the truth just as they ask investigators to approach them and not the Anti-crowd. If we come out, and not until then, the hearts of the saints and the leaders may be softened and perhaps that is what is needed to reveal the mysteries of God unto the Church concerning us.

And if it turns out that temple marriage is necessary in the world to come in order to enter the celestial kingdom (which D&C 131:1-2 states it isn’t) and it has to be with an opposite sex companion, then I would be willing to sacrifice what I have had here on earth for a temple marriage prepared during the millennium when all truth is restored. And if, not until that time, I am allowed to take a husband into a temple marriage, I will glory in the Father for his love and compassion for me an insignificant, imperfect son who still has much to learn even beyond the veil. Regardless, I will serve the Lord in the eternities, be it in separation from an earthly male companion, joined together with an eternal female companion, or joined together with an eternal male companion who was my earthly companion, I will not let my personal preferences interfere with the Lord’s plan for me.

P.S. Wow this got long fast, hence the double title.

P.S.S This doesn't mean I have made any sort of decision as to how I will spend my life in the classical MoHo Dilemma sense, but it does mean that I have leaped yet another hurdle in my way.

Debate Help

*Disclaimer: I am not saying that these two things are in any way the same.

On almost every point of debate and reason I can defend myself and the position that I believe I should follow (even though I am not following it yet) except one. Pedophilia. Again, not saying that Gay=pedophile at all. But the same reasons we advocate for equal religious treatment can be and is used by pedophiles to justify their actions.

They don't know why they are attracted to kids, they didn't choose this.
The church tells them it is wrong and to remain celibate (or marry if so inclined)

There are more similarities in arguments that my tired brain isn't thinking of right now. But How can we call for equality while they get left behind (rightly so) even though their arguments are the same as ours? THe only thing I can see is if the pedophilia is not always a complete singular attraction to children (ie there is not "6" on a kinsey scale)
Also I do not know where it comes from, but does it matter? If it is not a choice (the actions are yes) then what right do we have to advocate for equality? Are we just a satanic perversion of truth?

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Angels and Demons, a MoHo Review

So last night, I watched Angels and Demons with a bunch of friends. I really enjoyed this movie. It was very well performed and much much better than the DaVinci Code. There were a couple of moments that I wished this movie wasn't about the Catholic church and instead about the LDS church so that they could hear some of the lines in it. Like this riveting speech, modified just a little bit.
Our church is at war; we are under attack from an old enemy. They have struck us from within. Threatening us all with destruction at the hands of their new God science They call it retribution, they think it justified, because of the church’s attacks on men of science in the distant past and it is true. Since the days of Galileo this church has tried to slow the relentless march of progress, sometimes with misguided means. But science and religion are not enemies. There are simply some things that science is just too young to understand so the church pleads stop, slow down, think, wait and for this they call us backward. But who is more ignorant, the man who cannot define lightening or the man who does not respect its natural awesome power, the battle is well under way brethren. We must defend ourselves, but what if this time we fight their stuff with openness combat their wicked scheme with simple truth and end this brutish battle once and for all. If the outside world could see this church as I do, looking beyond the ritual of these walls, they would see a modern miracle, a brotherhood of imperfect simple souls who want nothing more than to be voices of compassion in a world spinning out of control. Brethren, I ask, I pray that you break this conclave, open the doors and tell the world the truth.
And this one here
And when you write of us, and you will write of us, may I ask that you do so gently. Religion is flawed, but only because men is flawed, all men, including this one
This quote, at the end of the movie, made me just want to jump up and shout because I wish other people could understand this flaw of human design and how it does affect the church. I wish that I could speak this thought out loud and not be persecuted for it. I wish that I could point out that yes the Prophets are men, lok at the Kirtland Anti-Banking society, Mountain Medows, The Blacks and the Priesthood from Brigham Young down to Spencer W. Kimbal. I know of many people who will agree with me that these are examples of prophets acting as men, flawed men, and not as the mouthpiece of God. But if I point out that there is the possibility that the present policies concerning homosexuality in the church could be because of these same flaws of mankind, I am deemed an anti-mormon, a heritic. This furiates me and I hope that it doesn't continue.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The Empty Sea and Mount Olympus

So this has been a long week, filled with a bunch of things. So I told you about my graduation festivities and then my Truck getting hit by either the Jets or the Sharks. I told you about my chance meeting with the Elder from Texas that I went on exchanges with as a boy of barely 14. I also told you why I use the term MoHo and then I went and wrote down my near breakdown thoughts that occurred after my visit with my bishop. Well on Wednesday I had the opportunity to see one of my good friends off. She is the girlfriend (read future wife) of my missionary who is serving in India right now. She and I have been in very good touch and she was one of the first friends from BYU that I came out to.

She is going to be teaching the gospel to Spanish speaking investigators in California for the next year and a half and I went to the Empty Sea (read MTC) as part of her family. It was an interesting and blog worthy experience because the last time I was at the MTC it was with said missionary sending him off. It was shortly after my BYU bishop had informed him that I had been asked to leave BYU, and it was an emotional time for me because we were meant to head out at the same time. It was 3 weeks later that I was on a fateful flight to D.C. where I came out to myself and finally allowed myself to utter the words “I’m Gay.” That MTC experience was wonderful and sad because I wasn’t going to be heading out with him, but because I was supporting him and I had my mission to look forward to, I was ok with everything.

This experience was completely different because I am now out to everyone and myself, and I have been debating whether I should go on mission or not. The night before I had been pretty much told that my faith in the prophets wasn’t strong enough and so I could expect to not leave until I worked out those “issues” that a mission (albeit selfishly) could help resolve. So this experience at the MTC was different and kind of sad. It started out with me getting there about 45 minutes before she showed up. So I decided to wait by the flags just outside of the entrance and spot the entering MoHo missionaries. This was an interesting thing, and kind of eerie because I could see what they were going to go through either on the mission or when they got back and I wished that I could take it from them. I finally met up with her and took pictures and headed into the chapel where I was basically preached to about how all males in the preexistence covenanted with Heavenly Father that we would serve missions and that those who were here were honoring that covenant and those who choose not to go are oath breakers. That was nice and uplifting! But in the end, I saw her off without any drama and promptly made the drive home to West Jordan mostly crying feeling that I didn’t know what I needed to do.

So I decided that now was high time for me to have a Joseph Smith experience and so I decided that I would climb Mount Olympus here in SLC and when I got to the top I would pray to find where I belonged in this giant mess of a world that I live in. I kind of felt like Hercules trying to figure everything out:

So I was going to climb on Thursday but I had to help my mom move some more furniture and so I didn’t get to it until today. But I didn’t start until late and once I got up about … 100 feet, I realized that my muscles have atrophied and I am weak. I got thinking, after the 5th person passed me, that I wouldn’t make it to the top. I figured I would keep going until I couldn’t go anymore and then stop, read and pray. I got about ½ mile further when I thought I was going to collapse but my power song had just come on and I only had about 9 songs left in the playlist and so I decided to push through until the playlist ended.

I ended up getting to the halfway point and knew that for time reasons as well, I needed to head back down. While I was there I studied and prayed but didn’t get much. I am thinking that I need to train some more and then hike it again get to the top and take in the natural beauty that surrounds me and connect myself to the temple that is nature. I just really feel the need to connect with what is right and find my mission be it education about GBLT rights/issues to church members, or teaching the gospel to investigators. One interesting thing that I read was my patriarchal blessing that mentioned twice my opportunity to share and that people would praise my name for sharing the “truths of the gospel.” This wording struck me home because it implies that there are either “untruths” of the gospel, or that I will teach many truths of the gospel while not teaching the gospel itself (if that makes sense). With this in mind I thought about bringing spirituality to other gay peoples lives and think it would be a worthy way to live life.

I also reread the Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis and noticed an interesting passage. “It may be possible for each to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too deeply about that of his neighbour. The load or weight, or burden of my neighbour’s glory should be laid on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken.” This comes right before his most quoted (at least by LDS) passage in this sermon that states “It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship. Or else a horror and a corruption such as now you meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations.”

I highly recommend the whole sermon (it is only 9 pages). It is really great and inspiring. But in reading these quotes and contemplating my life and my possible glory I realized that my life is not my own and it belongs to those who partake in it, that my life would be well spent simply serving others rather than focusing on dogma. Sure it would be wonderful to know the absolute truth but it would be perfectly acceptable to God if I spent my life guiding a majority of people closer to Him.

We shall see where this line of thought take me in the future and I will keep you updated as to when I finish that climb up to Mt. Olympus.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Just around the corner, the Savior or the Wizard?

One lesson I have had repeated over and over in Sunday school and priesthood over the years, whether implicitly or explicitly, has been that the answer to any trial is just around the corner and all we have to do is hang on a little bit longer. I have kept trying and trying to keep pushing around one more corner and all I get is another corner facing me. When does it end?

I keep trying so hard and I end up nowhere, does this mean that I am not really enduring to the end? Or does it mean that I have done all I can and I need to commend my spirit into Christ’s hands? I have always been taught that if we just persevere; if we just go that one last step then we will receive a truly great eternal reward. So often in the past months I have felt like I had reached that point and then some. Obviously I didn’t reach that point but is this like exercise and the more that I push for longer the more I will grow, or is this me crawling on all hands and knees through the desert trying to push one last foot when between me and water lies miles of sand? Should I give up and be weak, or should I give in and drink my own urine, or drink some blood so that my thirst may be quenched? Sure it may not be the water of life, but is there really enough to go around or am I one of those meant to be a ministering angel to the exalted ones?

I am really at a low right now and could use some answers. I want so badly to know the truth so that then I can keep pushing knowing that there is indeed an oasis waiting for me, and I know that if I were to give up now, to consciously stop striving for that, then should the fountain be shown to me in the next life it would be an eternity of hell, knowing what I could have had had I just pushed a little bit further. And if there is no oasis, how will I know? If everything I have been taught is right, then that perfect pure water is held only for those who make it, the rest are forced to sit and do without.

I understand the fact that the Telestial kingdom will be like earth life (so Hell) and the Terrestrial kingdom will be like the Christian version of heaven. So would it really be that bad? And then there is the view that there really are numberless concourses of kingdoms, a level and station that is perfect for us, consisting of the most glory that we can handle. Assuming this is true, then what ever I will do I can be happy in the next life, but knowing what I might have had would be my greatest challenge. A part of me really wants to just be content with life right now, and to stop hurting so much. To stop being bogged down by this so incessantly so that I could get on with the life that I have, but that is selfish I really need to just gird up my loins and push through one more door.

I just don’t know how many more doors I can get through before I give up and in what form my giving up will take. Will it be one door, 5, 100? And when I break, when I fail to endure to the end, will I give up with honor like the Japanese, or will I go off and party a disfigured life, scared from wrestling with God? Do I even have the strength to go one more round? I don’t know. Perhaps it is time for me to climb the mountain and cleanse my mind and my soul of all worldliness, I only hope that when the time comes I will find the strength to defy gravity and fly above my pain and sorrow rather than continue to wallow in it. I think that hope, however small is the only thing going and I fear that it might just be spiritual conditioning talking and brainwashed programming commanding me to step forward rather than truth from God and so I am timid and afraid right now. I guess I just had to get that and this good cry out thanks for reading.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mo vs. Ho

I choose to use the term MoHo for several reasons. Largely it is because I feel as if in either community I do not belong and so I have banded together with others who are likewise oriented and we have formed an ad hoc community. Since the Proposition 8 battle, there is little place for someone with Same Gender Attraction in the Church – at least publicly where support can be given – and in the Homosexual community (to any extent) there is hardly a place for an active member of the Church.

This ostracism from the two communities (both urging me, and nearly requiring me to destroy half of who I am) is what largely defines me. I define myself as homosexual in the respect that I am more attracted to men than to women. On the Kinsey scale I am probably about a 5 out of 6 with 6 being only same-sex attractions and a 0 being only opposite-sex attractions. As for defining myself as Mormon, I find that while I have a strong testimony of many things ranging from the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, the fullness of the Atonement (including how Elder Holland sees it) and Thomas S. Monson.

I do find that my testimony of the Church’s position on Same-Gender attraction is severely lacking. Because of this I often fluctuate in my opinions of what I need to do with my life. Which of these seemingly two opposite masters should I serve? I feel that they are not mutually exclusive as there is a large space for homosexual spirituality and the Church is not a resort for the perfect but a hospital for the sinner and trying to reconcile this is my dilemma. I define myself as an odd member of two separate circles not out of any desire to advance either’s agenda, but because of the simple fact that that I am the tangential point in these two circles.

Chemistry, Signs and Serendipity

So a couple of years ago, my first year at BYU, I was having a particular chemistry class on electron orbitals. This class happened right after my Book of Mormon class where my teacher had just urged us to liken, not only the scriptures, but all things, even our classes at BYU, into our lives. I thought that this idea had merit and so while sitting in my Chemistry class discussing these electron orbitals I had a revelation on life, or so I thought.

You see, when looking at electrons inside the electron cloud they all appear to be interconnected, a beautiful dance where each electron hits a thousand points in its path every second and hits every point in the cloud every few seconds. Upon closer inspection you discover that their are tracks for each set or level of electrons. Each set has their own orbit that they follow explicitly and don't journey out of. After furiously taking down the notes and drawing these crazy diagrams in class I got up put my headphones in and headed out to my next class. But the words of my Religion teacher were in my ears and so I tried to apply the chemistry lesson on a macro scale. (Lush, correct my chemistry if it is wrong)
So I look up and see the quad between the library and the MARB filled with students as classes across campus had just gotten out. As I saw this mass and realized that we are all electrons. We look like a beautiful crowd from afar off, but upon closer inspection it is clear that there is a pattern, an orbit that we each follow. Outside of these orbits we don't really interact with anyone else. This inspiration chilled me to the bone because I realized that surrounded by a thousand people, I felt utterly alone and isolated in my orbit that I felt no one else traveled. I remember thinking to myself that "even though we both go here at BYU, me and that guy (pointing at a random figure in the crowd) have nothing in common and will never intersect. I am here in utter isolation."

Right as I said that, we both made eye contact. I pulled out my iPod headphones and realized that my inspiration on life was wrong. That one random person that I picked out from across the quad happened to be a missionary that served in the Amarillo Texas area twice. An elder that we had shared meals with, that I had gone on splits with (I think). We talked and reconnected and stayed in loose contact for the next few months before I left BYU. Since then I have not thought about that elder much, but I have thought about this experience often.

I have taken it as a sign that just as I was feeling that i was utterly alone in my little orbital, that the one person I picked out to cement the proof of such a line of thought turned out to be someone I knew. It was from this experience that I so easily accepted the term of Ubuntu - only as humanity are we human. From this experience I have grown and have felt it as a tender mercy of the Lord.

Since I left BYU I have fallen into a couple of different patterns and orbitals. I had my Church orbit, my School orbit, and my Moho Orbit. At commencement, noticing the different people from varying orbits, of which I am a node, all around me made me recall this memory to mind. I was ruminating on it all throughout the day and wondering if I could keep straddling multiple orbits, going in and out of each one like a figure 8 where only a few points intersect. When I watched Star Trek I couldn't help but relate and be moved by young Spock's (who is Gabriel Gray BTW) plight in choosing between following his human or vulcan side. This is one of the places my mind was at when my friend and his friend tried to convince me to go to the club with them.

I remember thinking well "Why can't I follow this figure 8 pattern for ∞?" Why can't I continue to live with connections in both worlds? Am I doomed to fit into one orbital and be there in isolation from those I have met outside that one orbit? I decided that 1. clubbing would be good to get me out of my head, and 2. that rather than stagnate, I should grow each orbital because if I didn't I was going to continue in isolation eventually. So with that thinking I headed of to the club with Steve and George. At the club I started to feel alone in a crowd of people again. Just then, George mentioned that right behind me there was a cute guy that they had seen a couple of times before who could really dance.

So I turn around and it just happens to be the same elder from that day at the quad. So eventually we reconnected and started talking and this experience kept hitting me with the thought that I am never alone, it really hit me more than just intellectually this time. He and I talked and are going to meet later this or next week and talk over our experiences coming out and such. A part of me wants to just turn this off as happenstance but I don't believe in coincidence. I can't help but think that just as I was starting to get down over isolation i was thrown the same cure as last time in the same form as this RM. I think that this was a sign and that this serendipitous meeting was meant. Why I don't know, but it was meant to happen. I wish I could figure out why but we will have to wait and see for that one. But if I accept that our meeting was meant to be then doesn't my car being nearly jacked a sign as well? And if so then is the sign that it was hit or that it was still there when I got out? and again Why?

I think my trouble in life will be earning to ride the waves of why that come and simply accept life as it comes. Even with this knowledge I can't help but try to maneuver things, and I cant stop wondering why, but I guess I will need to learn how to and to have faith that in the end everything will work out just as it should and that I will be ok and even blessed for following the guiding hand of the Lion.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Graduation, Trekking, and Punksatony Phil

So Here I am at 4:00 AM blogging, hah! but i figured I needed to capture the days events and document them so ere I go. Last night, I went to bed at 3:00 AM because I was nervous about graduation today. So I have to get up at 6 so that I can get ready and be there on time (turns out I was 30 minutes early!) So I get there, meet up with some friends and go in and listen to the commencement ceremony, our speaker was David McCullough. While talking amongst my friends there, we decided that we should go and see Star Trek latter that night. Then Immediately commencement, I had my college's graduation where I walk and that one was good. I then went to Lunch with my dad and had a good time there. After lunch I came home to see my mom and say hi to her. then, with a massive headache I took a nap. I then got up about 5-530 and my family wanted to have dinner so we went to Hires and ate and then I left to go meet up with some of my college buddies and watch Star Trek. It was way so good! Drew, I do get the time travel stuff, but maybe it is because I am a Gerd (Gay + Nerd). BTW, the Russian character was way so cute and his accent, Cest Magnifique! So after Star Trek, My fellow Gay friend (we will call him Steve) and I went to grab some coffee and meet his friend (whom we will call George) While there, I had my first taste of coffee ever and... we lets just say I am not going to ever get a mocha again. Well While we were talking, George and Steve convinced me to come to the club with them at least for a bit, after all, it is graduation night, I can party.
So we went and parked and walked into the club. While there, I saw someone I recognized from Texas and he and I talked for a little bit, interesting story there for a latter date. At about 12:45 I figured I should head out, I had been there about 1.5 hours and was calling it a night. SO I went back to my car andgo to unlock it and discover that my key hole was misaligned, I eventually unlock my door and the light doesn't turn on. I fumble for the light turn it on and see that my entire dash has been ripped out. Well the plastic facade at least. My glove box was open, the Stereo was still there, my camera, nothing was really stolen, but the dash was missing. So I try to urn on my car, and discover that the steering column is locked and the key won't turn forward at all.
Someone tried to steal my car! So I called the Cops (wh did pretty much nothing) Called insurance (hopefully on monday will do something) called a towing company who came by after about 45 minutes. This guy looks at my truck and trys to fix it but cant and so tows me home. His name was phil and he was a "country boy" hence the Punksatony reference. A part of me hopes that when the insurance people come by Monday morning, that they deem the damages significant enough to deem totaled and I can get a new car. Likelyhood is that the new steering column will cost me upwards of $700 with a $200 detucible. I just got home 15 20 minutes ago and figured I would sent this out to the blogosphere. I needed to write it down and when I came home the adrenaline kicked back in.
All in All, this has been my best graduation day. (totally not a joke I have horror stories) :(

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Catch 22

Ok so I know I have posted three things today already, but this one is important. You know the typical Catch 2 of you cant get a job without experience and you cant get experience without a job? Well right now I fit into that and while I am applying to several places any ideas or help would be wonderful. So blogger world, any advice?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


So I wrote this as part of my intercultural communications class last summer before I was out to myself. It is interesting to see my writing at that time.


This past week in class, immediately following the “Wall to Wall” exercise, I was discussing the activity, and the mentalities of people in different situations. It all came down to an issue in identity. I was intrigued at the choices provided by people in relation to others who they had clumped with throughout the activity. This got me thinking about the issue of Identity, and what it really is. Einstein once said “Reality is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one.” I believe this quote works wonders with my mind if I substitute the word reality with identity. Identity is merely an illusion, although a persistent one. Each person has a different identity at the ready for any whatever situation, because their circles of friendship and society rarely mix. So each person chooses the identity the will take with them when dealing with different groups of people. At school, I try to add input frequently so that I will be noticed, for in my mind it is much better to be noticed than to sit through a whole class without mentioning anything, or providing anything useful to the forum of students. At work, I try to be a genial friend to all due to my feelings of not fitting in and wanting to assert myself with other people. I know that most human interactions I have at my work are fabrications and not truly my identity. At my fencing club, is probably where I had the fewest fabrications of myself, but I even there I still attempt to falsify friendship. At home, I try to become the person my parentals want me to be, but I am just faking it. What is the real me, I don’t know. I think that I might be so fragmented between my own “Identities” that I have a variant of Schizophrenia where I don’t have hallucinations or misconceptions of reality, but where I have a literal “split mind.” My mind has become split between the identities I apply. While writing this I remembered this quote from some obscure part of my brain, “We are not the masks we wear, but if we don them, do we not become them?” And I also remembered a quote by CS Lewis that states, “All mortals tend to turn into the thing they are pretending to be.” These quotes seem to blend well with my idea of my identity because if I have so many identities that I am wearing like masks, will I not turn into those identities. Whether or not that is a good thing I intend to find out, but at the same time it makes you wonder if then I would become a schizophrenic. When I examine myself to find my true identity, I often am scared to see what it is.

The Past Revisited

So while cleaning out my computer yet again I found my English final, a self observation. The first one I wrote was apparently not true enough and so I wrote this one some of it exaggerated, some of it true. The first one I wrote was actually copied from online because I was afraid to write about myself for what it would reveal. HA I should have just done the assignment in the first place because it was this assignment that got the administration to remove me from school the last week before graduation. I find it fitting that I saw this tonight, just less than 36 hours away from my undergraduate graduation. So without further ado, the observation that just about got me expelled from High School.


High School is filled with fake people. People wearing masks, trying to “fit in,” to be someone they are not. I am no exception to this, however my mask is one of many facades that I wear to hide and conceal my past life from others and me. I have dodged the rules and cut corners in order to escape the primeval life I live. Each day goes by, and I have to live with all my past mistakes, and the domino effect it has had on my family. Because of me my parents got divorced, because of me my mom, my step dad and I were not able to attend my sisters wedding, because of me my mother and my sister are no longer speaking to each other. Through conscious or sub conscious activity, I have ruined my family, and in order not to break from the pressure, I build up walls and put on a happy face for the world to see so that I can survive knowing all the suffering in my family was caused by me. I know and realize that everyone has their own problems or difficulties in life that they deal with, but when people start backstabbing and hurting others it just adds to the emotional baggage that someone is carrying. I am sick and tired of this crappy experience and am ready to explode from all of the CRAP that has been thrown at me this year. And normally when I explode, heads roll. When I have exploded in the past, I have kicked my principal in places where the sun doesn’t shine. I have thrown a chair at my band teacher, I have sent a kid to the hospital with a broken nose and the need for 7 stitches, I have nearly run over my step dad with a Ford Expedition, I have beaten a kid with a two inch thick walking staff across the chest, back, shins, and neck, I have escaped from the grips of an Army Lt. Colonel and because of that had I sprinted over three miles of mountainous forest and swam over three quarters of a mile across a lake. I fear that I will never be able to escape these atrocities, but just because they happened, doesn’t mean that they have to continue. Although at the rate that kids keep giving me crap at school I fear it might happen soon. My life has been full of Crap that I have dealt with, and the extra garbage that is shoved on me daily at school by hypocritical egotistical morons is bound to set me into a frenzy. Each day I try to flick away the daily grime and accept it as a fact of life. That is why I hide behind a facade.