One lesson I have had repeated over and over in Sunday school and priesthood over the years, whether implicitly or explicitly, has been that the answer to any trial is just around the corner and all we have to do is hang on a little bit longer. I have kept trying and trying to keep pushing around one more corner and all I get is another corner facing me. When does it end?
I keep trying so hard and I end up nowhere, does this mean that I am not really enduring to the end? Or does it mean that I have done all I can and I need to commend my spirit into Christ’s hands? I have always been taught that if we just persevere; if we just go that one last step then we will receive a truly great eternal reward. So often in the past months I have felt like I had reached that point and then some. Obviously I didn’t reach that point but is this like exercise and the more that I push for longer the more I will grow, or is this me crawling on all hands and knees through the desert trying to push one last foot when between me and water lies miles of sand? Should I give up and be weak, or should I give in and drink my own urine, or drink some blood so that my thirst may be quenched? Sure it may not be the water of life, but is there really enough to go around or am I one of those meant to be a ministering angel to the exalted ones?
I am really at a low right now and could use some answers. I want so badly to know the truth so that then I can keep pushing knowing that there is indeed an oasis waiting for me, and I know that if I were to give up now, to consciously stop striving for that, then should the fountain be shown to me in the next life it would be an eternity of hell, knowing what I could have had had I just pushed a little bit further. And if there is no oasis, how will I know? If everything I have been taught is right, then that perfect pure water is held only for those who make it, the rest are forced to sit and do without.
I understand the fact that the Telestial kingdom will be like earth life (so Hell) and the Terrestrial kingdom will be like the Christian version of heaven. So would it really be that bad? And then there is the view that there really are numberless concourses of kingdoms, a level and station that is perfect for us, consisting of the most glory that we can handle. Assuming this is true, then what ever I will do I can be happy in the next life, but knowing what I might have had would be my greatest challenge. A part of me really wants to just be content with life right now, and to stop hurting so much. To stop being bogged down by this so incessantly so that I could get on with the life that I have, but that is selfish I really need to just gird up my loins and push through one more door.
I just don’t know how many more doors I can get through before I give up and in what form my giving up will take. Will it be one door, 5, 100? And when I break, when I fail to endure to the end, will I give up with honor like the Japanese, or will I go off and party a disfigured life, scared from wrestling with God? Do I even have the strength to go one more round? I don’t know. Perhaps it is time for me to climb the mountain and cleanse my mind and my soul of all worldliness, I only hope that when the time comes I will find the strength to defy gravity and fly above my pain and sorrow rather than continue to wallow in it. I think that hope, however small is the only thing going and I fear that it might just be spiritual conditioning talking and brainwashed programming commanding me to step forward rather than truth from God and so I am timid and afraid right now. I guess I just had to get that and this good cry out thanks for reading.