One lesson I have had repeated over and over in Sunday school and priesthood over the years, whether implicitly or explicitly, has been that the answer to any trial is just around the corner and all we have to do is hang on a little bit longer. I have kept trying and trying to keep pushing around one more corner and all I get is another corner facing me. When does it end?
I keep trying so hard and I end up nowhere, does this mean that I am not really enduring to the end? Or does it mean that I have done all I can and I need to commend my spirit into Christ’s hands? I have always been taught that if we just persevere; if we just go that one last step then we will receive a truly great eternal reward. So often in the past months I have felt like I had reached that point and then some. Obviously I didn’t reach that point but is this like exercise and the more that I push for longer the more I will grow, or is this me crawling on all hands and knees through the desert trying to push one last foot when between me and water lies miles of sand? Should I give up and be weak, or should I give in and drink my own urine, or drink some blood so that my thirst may be quenched? Sure it may not be the water of life, but is there really enough to go around or am I one of those meant to be a ministering angel to the exalted ones?
I am really at a low right now and could use some answers. I want so badly to know the truth so that then I can keep pushing knowing that there is indeed an oasis waiting for me, and I know that if I were to give up now, to consciously stop striving for that, then should the fountain be shown to me in the next life it would be an eternity of hell, knowing what I could have had had I just pushed a little bit further. And if there is no oasis, how will I know? If everything I have been taught is right, then that perfect pure water is held only for those who make it, the rest are forced to sit and do without.
I understand the fact that the Telestial kingdom will be like earth life (so Hell) and the Terrestrial kingdom will be like the Christian version of heaven. So would it really be that bad? And then there is the view that there really are numberless concourses of kingdoms, a level and station that is perfect for us, consisting of the most glory that we can handle. Assuming this is true, then what ever I will do I can be happy in the next life, but knowing what I might have had would be my greatest challenge. A part of me really wants to just be content with life right now, and to stop hurting so much. To stop being bogged down by this so incessantly so that I could get on with the life that I have, but that is selfish I really need to just gird up my loins and push through one more door.
I just don’t know how many more doors I can get through before I give up and in what form my giving up will take. Will it be one door, 5, 100? And when I break, when I fail to endure to the end, will I give up with honor like the Japanese, or will I go off and party a disfigured life, scared from wrestling with God? Do I even have the strength to go one more round? I don’t know. Perhaps it is time for me to climb the mountain and cleanse my mind and my soul of all worldliness, I only hope that when the time comes I will find the strength to defy gravity and fly above my pain and sorrow rather than continue to wallow in it. I think that hope, however small is the only thing going and I fear that it might just be spiritual conditioning talking and brainwashed programming commanding me to step forward rather than truth from God and so I am timid and afraid right now. I guess I just had to get that and this good cry out thanks for reading.
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Wish I had simple answers for you David. To try would require more time and space than available here. Maybe end of month, perhaps. Or call if you want. Meantime [insert big hug here]. You are loved and appreciated. Don't give up.
ReplyDeleteDavid, I second Alan's hug. Your feelings and questions are ones most of us face. I don't have all the answers, but can tell you what has helped me. I sense that you, like me, are somewhat of a perfectionist. I had to cut myself some slack and realize that I may never know the answers to all my questions, nor ever be the ideal person that I want to be. I have learned that, for me, not knowing or not having a complete testimony of everything is okay.
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to sound like I have settled for mediocrity, but have simply have decided that I need to find joy in the journey, realizing that we aren't supposed to have everything figured out in the first 25 or 50 years of life. Hopefully my understanding will continue to grow and ideas continue to be challenged over the course of my life. This has all required faith that life does have meaning and that the Lord, in his due time, and as I am ready, will help me to understand what my purpose is. It has also required me to be more patient with myself.
You are a good man David. Answers will come.
I'm so sorry that you're going through such a difficult time, and I really honestly understand what it's like to feel completely alone, abandoned by everyone including God, that no matter how hard you try you aren't and never will be good enough. I made it through that dark time of my life with medical help, but occasionally snippets of it come back and haunt me. It feels so absolutely real, but God is the perfect parent and He will ALWAYS love you and He will NEVER abandon you, ESPECIALLY in those dark times when you can't press on any more. Perhaps that is the hardest trial of all- feeling forsaken by God. It's okay that you're imperfect. Please love yourself anyway. *Hug* :)
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