My New Years Resolutions:
Temporal Education:
Finish my BS in Political Science
Take the GRE
Apply for Graduate School at Brandeis University
Spiritual Education:
Read the D&C in its entirety
Read the NT with the complete Joseph Smith Translation
What resolution isn’t complete without goals for physical self-improvement?
Physical Goals:
Obtain my B09 in Foil or C09 in Sabre
Run a 5k without slowing down or stopping to catch my breath
Run a 10k.
Workout at least twice per week
Professional Goals:
Get a Job working with either FMCNA or nGenera
Service Goals:
India!
Clayton Musical (Peter Pan)
2 hours a week of Community Service
Orientation Goals:
Come to peace within myself within the Gospel and Homosexuality and the Church.
Visit the temple as often as I can.
Date
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Reslove
My New Years Resolutions:
Temporal Education:
Finish my BS in Political Science
Take the GRE
Apply for Graduate School at Brandeis University
Spiritual Education:
Read the D&C in its entirety
Read the NT with the complete Joseph Smith Translation
What resolution isn’t complete without goals for physical self-improvement?
Physical Goals:
Obtain my B09 in Foil or C09 in Sabre
Run a 5k without slowing down or stopping to catch my breath
Run a 10k.
Workout at least twice per week
Professional Goals:
Get a Job working with either FMCNA or nGenera
Service Goals:
India!
Clayton Musical (Peter Pan)
2 hours a week of Community Service
Temporal Education:
Finish my BS in Political Science
Take the GRE
Apply for Graduate School at Brandeis University
Spiritual Education:
Read the D&C in its entirety
Read the NT with the complete Joseph Smith Translation
What resolution isn’t complete without goals for physical self-improvement?
Physical Goals:
Obtain my B09 in Foil or C09 in Sabre
Run a 5k without slowing down or stopping to catch my breath
Run a 10k.
Workout at least twice per week
Professional Goals:
Get a Job working with either FMCNA or nGenera
Service Goals:
India!
Clayton Musical (Peter Pan)
2 hours a week of Community Service
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Lost in Translation
Recently I had a thought while watching the news footage of the Marriage ceremonies performed before the passage of Proposition 8. I noticed that there was a gay couple performing a traditional Jewish wedding ceremony complete with the breaking of the glass and a Rabbi. I thought about this and then a few days later the thought hit me, "Wait, Jews believe in gay marriage?" This thought led me to rediscover the bible and good old Leviticus, the one scripture upon which hinges all other scripture and modern revelation concerning Homosexual activity. As I began to research in depth the KJV of Leviticus another thought hit me, "Why am I studying the English translation of the Latin translation of the Greek translation of the original Hebrew? After all don't we believe the Bible to be correct as far as it is translated correctly?" So I went back and looked for the Hebrew Jewish interpretation of Leviticus 18. What I found was that Judaism is a split religion with many differing branches of observation, but that in all of them, the original Hebrew word for abomination was "to'eba" which doesn't really have a direct english translation, but instead had a meaning that lay closer to idolatry, or ritualisticly unclean. To'eba is the same word used in describing the dietary violations (ie no Pork) not the same word used for outright sin. I decided to check this out and recieved individual confirmation from an LDS bibe scholar and master of both greek and Hebrew as well as other languages who I shall keep anonymus for his protection.
After discovering that the act of homosexuality as stated in Leviticus 18 was not an aboninable sin, but more of an idolatrous impurity, I went back and reread the entire chapter looking for the meaning of Moses using the context of Idolatry. I encourage all of you who see this to re-read Leviticus 18 and see how the entire chapter seems to make much more sense. Moses is refering to the Idolization of each of those acts listed as they had become idolized in Egypt and Cannan, and Moses condemns the acts as idolatrous. To me this scripture resonates truth and I wanted to share it with those of you who read my blog.
After discovering that the act of homosexuality as stated in Leviticus 18 was not an aboninable sin, but more of an idolatrous impurity, I went back and reread the entire chapter looking for the meaning of Moses using the context of Idolatry. I encourage all of you who see this to re-read Leviticus 18 and see how the entire chapter seems to make much more sense. Moses is refering to the Idolization of each of those acts listed as they had become idolized in Egypt and Cannan, and Moses condemns the acts as idolatrous. To me this scripture resonates truth and I wanted to share it with those of you who read my blog.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Juxtaposition of the Future
Don't you just love it when two completely random occurrences happen right next to each other, or one right after another? Today while at the Grocery store, I was waiting in line to check out. Directly in front of me was this woman, shopping with her three kids. Being typical kids, they were being rebellious and jumping on things and asking pretty please if they could get a soda. I love kids. I want to have kids of my own someday. Seeing this family for some odd reason hit me a little bit with that desire. Then directly in front of her and her kids, was a gay couple. They were reserved and not drawing attention to themselves, but I could see it. That is the other thing that I want in Life. I want to be in a loving relationship with kids, or looking to have kids in the future. And there, right in the grocery store were both of my desires standing directly in front of me, so palpable that I wanted to reach out and grab a hold of my desires. I don't know how my family will take it when I tell them that I plan on getting married to the man of my dreams and raise a family with him, so I shall hold off on that for now. It isn't really a great Christmas present for them. It just strikes me sometimes how often we see what we want right in front of us.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Justification for Working with a Wild tree
James 2:18 Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works.
James 2:22 Seest thou how faith wrought with his works, and by works was faith made perfect?
James 2:24 Ye see then how that by works a man is justified, and not by faith only.
Job 13:15 Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.
Job 13:18 Behold now, I have ordered my cause; I know that I shall be justified.
I believe that my work (as defined by aiding others, raising righteous children, spreading my love for the principles of the Gospel) will demonstrate my faith to the Lord, and that through that work, my faith will be made perfect and then my works can justify me just as Job was justified.
I believe that regardless of what others think, Though I might be tried, I can not deny my story, though the ends of the earth shall hate me, and though some might try to harm me, to take my life, I will never be ashamed of what I know. I know that I am meant to raise a family in righteousness, that I was designed to be who I am for a reason, that I have a lesson to be learned, and that that lesson is how to love for I feel myself faking my emotions, my love with everyone around me, I must learn how to truly love someone far more that I love myself. I know this with the same feeling that I know that the Lord lived and that he lives, and that he suffered for my sins, lived through my pains, and experienced my sorrows.
And so like Job, I feel justified. Justified in being a sinner who brings forth good fruit. I am as the wild olive tree with tame branches grafted in, and by my fruits, not by anything else shall the Lord know and judge me. And so I am determined to bring forth good fruit even if I myself might be wild. I know that it can not happen alone, and that it will take effort on my part and a partnership with the lord, but I plan on striving to bring forth good works.
James 2:22 Seest thou how faith wrought with his works, and by works was faith made perfect?
James 2:24 Ye see then how that by works a man is justified, and not by faith only.
Job 13:15 Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.
Job 13:18 Behold now, I have ordered my cause; I know that I shall be justified.
I believe that my work (as defined by aiding others, raising righteous children, spreading my love for the principles of the Gospel) will demonstrate my faith to the Lord, and that through that work, my faith will be made perfect and then my works can justify me just as Job was justified.
I believe that regardless of what others think, Though I might be tried, I can not deny my story, though the ends of the earth shall hate me, and though some might try to harm me, to take my life, I will never be ashamed of what I know. I know that I am meant to raise a family in righteousness, that I was designed to be who I am for a reason, that I have a lesson to be learned, and that that lesson is how to love for I feel myself faking my emotions, my love with everyone around me, I must learn how to truly love someone far more that I love myself. I know this with the same feeling that I know that the Lord lived and that he lives, and that he suffered for my sins, lived through my pains, and experienced my sorrows.
And so like Job, I feel justified. Justified in being a sinner who brings forth good fruit. I am as the wild olive tree with tame branches grafted in, and by my fruits, not by anything else shall the Lord know and judge me. And so I am determined to bring forth good fruit even if I myself might be wild. I know that it can not happen alone, and that it will take effort on my part and a partnership with the lord, but I plan on striving to bring forth good works.
My New Philosophy
In 1972 Boyd K. Packer said the following: “Someday you will hold a little boy or a little girl in your arms and know that two of you have acted in partnership with our Heavenly Father in the creation of life. Because the youngster belongs to you, you may then come to love someone more than you love yourself. This experience can come, insofar as I know, only through having children of your own or perhaps through fostering children born of another and yet drawn close into family covenants. … Through this loving one more than you love yourself, you become truly Christian. Then you know, as few others know, what the word Father means when it is spoken of in the scriptures. You may then feel something of the love and concern that he has for us. It should have great meaning that of all the titles of respect and honor and admiration that could be given him, God himself, he who is the highest of all, chose to be addressed simply as Father.”
While Elder Packer was saying this concerning the beauties of a traditional marriage, I believe that the principle that the only way to love someone more than yourself is through the raising of a child, and that the act of loving someone more than yourself is when you become truly Christian. I believe that loving someone more than ourselves is the true embodiment of the second great commandment, “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” and is one of the only ways to follow the example of Christ’s selfless love towards all men.
The desire to raise a child that I love more than anything, more than myself, is what motivates me to live righteously, yet in order to provide a loving home for a child I must go against the desires of the Church. I do not believe that I myself could provide a loving home for any child. I do not believe that were I to pursue a traditional marriage, that it would be strong, and filled with enough love to raise a child in. The only possibility for a home loving enough for me to raise a child in is in one that I love my companion almost as much as I love our children, and it just happens to be that I see my companion as being my husband.
The Church has said, “Like other violations of the law of chastity, homosexual activity is a serious sin. It is contrary to the purposes of human sexuality (see Romans 1:24–32) It distorts loving relationships and prevents people from receiving the blessings that can be found in family life and the saving ordinances of the gospel.” I believe that my homosexuality will not distort any loving relationships that I have, the only way it will do that is if I try to get married to a woman. And while it may prevent me from receiving the blessings that can be found in family life and the ordinances of the gospel, if I remain celibate, those blessings are withheld, as are several of the ordinances of the gospel.
I can understand how homosexuality, in current practice and understanding today, can be viewed as contrary to the purposes of human sexuality. But If we were to legalize civil same-sex marriages, that is, rendering unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s and allowing for all legal, civil rights that are bestowed to opposite-sex marriages, be granted to same-sex marriages, that there would emerge a new class of people. These people would be homosexuals who seek after a family more than sex, a class of people who seek to strengthen the bond of marriage rather than make a mockery of it like Brittany’s 55-hour “just for fun” wedding. These would be people just like me who want to settle down with the person they love, raise children to be great and righteous individuals.
I plan on getting married to the man of my dreams one day, raising children to live righteously with him, and growing old with him. Eventually we will die, and we will have succeeded in drawing closer to the Lord than had we remained single and a lone and because our marriage will have been a marriage of this temporal world, it will not be binding in Heaven (see Mark 12:25, D&C 132:15-16). The Church publication, God Loveth His Children states that, “However, the perfect plan of our Father in Heaven makes provision for individuals who seek to keep His commandments but who, through no fault of their own, do not have an eternal marriage in mortal life. As we follow Heavenly Father’s plan, our bodies, feelings, and desires will be perfected in the next life so that every one of God’s children may find joy in a family consisting of a husband, a wife, and children.” (Emphasis added) We will through the promise given by the Lord be able to gain an eternal companion with whom we can create spirit children. I will be able to draw from that love that I learned here in this earth life in the raising of my spirit children.
Because Homosexuality is a byproduct of this fallen world, and since it did not exist in the pre-earth life, it will not exist in the afterlife, but my experiences and knowledge that I gain here on this life will exist in the next life. So I choose to have the focus of those experiences be towards knowing and loving my God, and towards loving others more than I love myself. For Christ was the most selfless of all. That, I believe, is His greatest characteristic, His selfless love of all. If I can gain but a small part of that, Is that not a life well spent in following the Lord, even if I would be living in sin to do it?
After all, we are all striving for perfection, we each have our own sins that preclude us from immediate transfiguration, perhaps homosexual behavior will be mine and over time, I can repent from my sins, but to me, a life spent focused towards that perfection and focused inwards rather than towards others can not be repented of.
While Elder Packer was saying this concerning the beauties of a traditional marriage, I believe that the principle that the only way to love someone more than yourself is through the raising of a child, and that the act of loving someone more than yourself is when you become truly Christian. I believe that loving someone more than ourselves is the true embodiment of the second great commandment, “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” and is one of the only ways to follow the example of Christ’s selfless love towards all men.
The desire to raise a child that I love more than anything, more than myself, is what motivates me to live righteously, yet in order to provide a loving home for a child I must go against the desires of the Church. I do not believe that I myself could provide a loving home for any child. I do not believe that were I to pursue a traditional marriage, that it would be strong, and filled with enough love to raise a child in. The only possibility for a home loving enough for me to raise a child in is in one that I love my companion almost as much as I love our children, and it just happens to be that I see my companion as being my husband.
The Church has said, “Like other violations of the law of chastity, homosexual activity is a serious sin. It is contrary to the purposes of human sexuality (see Romans 1:24–32) It distorts loving relationships and prevents people from receiving the blessings that can be found in family life and the saving ordinances of the gospel.” I believe that my homosexuality will not distort any loving relationships that I have, the only way it will do that is if I try to get married to a woman. And while it may prevent me from receiving the blessings that can be found in family life and the ordinances of the gospel, if I remain celibate, those blessings are withheld, as are several of the ordinances of the gospel.
I can understand how homosexuality, in current practice and understanding today, can be viewed as contrary to the purposes of human sexuality. But If we were to legalize civil same-sex marriages, that is, rendering unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s and allowing for all legal, civil rights that are bestowed to opposite-sex marriages, be granted to same-sex marriages, that there would emerge a new class of people. These people would be homosexuals who seek after a family more than sex, a class of people who seek to strengthen the bond of marriage rather than make a mockery of it like Brittany’s 55-hour “just for fun” wedding. These would be people just like me who want to settle down with the person they love, raise children to be great and righteous individuals.
I plan on getting married to the man of my dreams one day, raising children to live righteously with him, and growing old with him. Eventually we will die, and we will have succeeded in drawing closer to the Lord than had we remained single and a lone and because our marriage will have been a marriage of this temporal world, it will not be binding in Heaven (see Mark 12:25, D&C 132:15-16). The Church publication, God Loveth His Children states that, “However, the perfect plan of our Father in Heaven makes provision for individuals who seek to keep His commandments but who, through no fault of their own, do not have an eternal marriage in mortal life. As we follow Heavenly Father’s plan, our bodies, feelings, and desires will be perfected in the next life so that every one of God’s children may find joy in a family consisting of a husband, a wife, and children.” (Emphasis added) We will through the promise given by the Lord be able to gain an eternal companion with whom we can create spirit children. I will be able to draw from that love that I learned here in this earth life in the raising of my spirit children.
Because Homosexuality is a byproduct of this fallen world, and since it did not exist in the pre-earth life, it will not exist in the afterlife, but my experiences and knowledge that I gain here on this life will exist in the next life. So I choose to have the focus of those experiences be towards knowing and loving my God, and towards loving others more than I love myself. For Christ was the most selfless of all. That, I believe, is His greatest characteristic, His selfless love of all. If I can gain but a small part of that, Is that not a life well spent in following the Lord, even if I would be living in sin to do it?
After all, we are all striving for perfection, we each have our own sins that preclude us from immediate transfiguration, perhaps homosexual behavior will be mine and over time, I can repent from my sins, but to me, a life spent focused towards that perfection and focused inwards rather than towards others can not be repented of.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
About Me
I am David. I am 19. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am Gay. I enjoy the values and principles of the Gospel. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs or live promiscuously. I have a dry and very random sense of humor. I Love CS Lewis as he is a fountain of knowledge and wisdom that has guided my life at times. I love reading. I enjoy Orson Scott Card, Hugh Nibley, Tolkien, JK Rowling, Stephanie Meyer and pretty much everything else I get my hands on. I have only not finished 3 books in my lifetime after starting them. They are The Work and the Glory, The Garrity Test, and The Golden Compass. I have since read the Golden Compass, but the others remain unread. Admitedly I haven't read all of my school textbooks. I follow a lot of random TV Shows, Heroes, Lost, Desperate Housewives, Chuck, Smallville, House and Numb3rs. I have a brain like a computer, I can recal the most trivial information ad nauseum and yet when you need to find something specific it takes a little while. I Love Musicals and if I had more confidence and less concern for financial stability would try to pursue a carreer in singing and acting. I am an avid Fencer and have competed on the national level and at the Junior Olympics. At one point I thought I wanted to spend my life in the Air Force Intelligence. I once passed out 9 times in 18 months with the best explination being acid reflux. I was onced suspended in 5th grade for giving another student a paperclip. I was expelled from High School one week before graduation, but was still able to graduate and walk for graduation, but I couldn't sing with my choir. I have an eclectic mix of Music on my iPod because I don't really like bands. I think that outside of the Beatles and the Beach Boys, no band has ever produced more than 7 or 8 great songs. So I seek out those songs and enjoy them, with little or no love for the band. I have only been to one rock concert and that was 6 months ago. I moved 9 times before I was 16, 6 of those before I was 7. I want to have kids someday. Kids that I can raise in the gospel of the Lord and watch in fear and anxiety as they grow up and face there own problems. Although I know I could be, I am not afraid of being bashed. I have never had hair longer than a missionary haircut until now. I love Dancing. I can Fake my way through most conversations. People turn to me for advice on crazy random things, relationships, counseling, philosophy and religion and I have given it out for so long that I think that I might be decent at it. I feel like a 24 year old stuck inside a 19 year old body. I wish respect was given regardless of age. I believe in meritocracy not nepotism. I enjoy Sun Tzu, Musashi, Macheavelli and Marx. In a past life I lived in the 19 twenty's and died of influenza in the 1930's. In another past life, I took part in the crusades. I love ancient civilizations. I love technology. I marvel at the fact that we have access to more information on a 2 GB flash drive than was house in the Library of Alexandria, and that if we had 25 GB's we would have more information than Jefferson had access to throughout his entire life. I have crappy handwritting and my typing skills aren't that much better. My life is housed on my computer, but if it blew up as well as any other hardware I owned, I would be OK becasue I compute in the Cloud. I will have completed 8 years of school in 6 by skipping my senior and freshmen years of High school and college respectfully. I am known to over extend a point even though I myself hate it. So that is me in a nutshell, Fell free to ask me anything because I feel that I am pretty open and tolerant to most any question and if I am not, you will never know.
David
David
My Story
My name is David. I am 19. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am also Gay. Trying to live both is a paradox. Eventually one must give way for the other and when that happens I feel that one of my twin souls, my Yin or Yang will be ripped from me, leaving me broken and useless. I know that I am not alone, and there are people on both sides of this paradox who are happy and complete with who they are. I am not yet one of them.
Being raised in the church, I grew up expecting to go on a mission, go to BYU, get Married, produce 4 kids, and live happily ever after. Looking back on my life, as early as the age of 7 I can remember feeling attracted to boys rather than girls, but I knew how I was meant to be, I knew the plan as described above and so I figured it would pass. I pushed those thoughts, those feelings to the back of my mind and forgot about them. I can remember distinct times when I felt I was gay, but those too I repressed. The first time that this idea of the perfect life for me was challenged was when I was 10. My parents started to fight and I realized that starting a family wasn't "happily ever after." At 12 I started looking at things differently, but I still hid the fact that I was gay from myself under many different layers and guises that I am still attempting to fully unravel and expose. just before I turned 13, my parents got divorced and I became and adult. (See here 1:38-3:00) At this time I began thinking like an adult, I comforted my mother, and my life became dedicated towards someone other than myself, and the repression got much deeper. At 16 I left home and moved back to Utah to finish my senior year of high school. I then, at 17, Went down to BYU, where free from the responsibilities of any adulthood that I had experienced prior, I started my adolescence. I started to rebel against all I had known in the church and yet still I repressed the knowledge that I was Gay even though my actions said otherwise. At 18 I eventually felt the guilt that was inevitable from my actions, and I confessed everything I had done to my BYU bishop, who told me that I wasn't Gay, just misguided, and then he let me finish out the week/semester at BYU before promptly throwing me out to my home ward and with no back up plan for school. I scrambled fast and left BYU, just barely getting into the University of Utah for fall of `07 I went to school there while working with my Bishop and former scoutmaster who is great, but who saw my problems differently than they really are. For a Year, I was the perfect member, I went to every meeting, read my scriptures, said my prayers, fasted, did my home teaching and was the most studious in my Sunday School class. I still hoped to go on a mission, get married, and have the whole picket fence with kids in the yard. I knew that my mission would be postponed, and so I extended to one of my best friends from BYU, a convert with very little in material wealth, an offer to pay for his mission. So did another family and so I was even covering the mission of one of my friends at the age of 19. One year after being removed from BYU, I was doing great, I thought I had everything on track, I would graduate in the summer of `09 and then go on my mission. I was headed for an internship in Washington DC when on the plane, my electronics batteries failed me and I was left to introspection. It hit me that It had been about one year and so I saw where I was before and presently. I realized that the motivation for coming clean to my bishop was the lack of feeling the spirit in my life, I still had yet to feel the spirit within that one year and I came to see that in actuality all I had learned was self-mastery. I hadn't really improved at all. After further introspection I realized that the problem was how I was looking at it. I saw 4 fingers because I was lloking at the problem when I should have seen eight by looking beyond the problem. I finnally realized I was Gay. I then over the course of 2 months spent some time coming out to anothergay intern who helped me appreciate myself and realize that I wasn't evil. I struggled with the paradox offered by this situation, and sought out help groups like North Star, but things didn't feel right. I rollercoasted between going to clubs and avoiding all contact with any gay or gay friendly person. I decided that I needed to come out to my parents and so I did and my Dad is very supportive of me being happy no matter what I chose, but my mother's opinion whose I value a lot, was such that she believed that I thought I was gay, and that even if I was, I still had to remain chaste and that was that. We still haven't talked me that much and I think it is best to hold off a little right now. She has a lot on her plate at present. A week before Thanksgiving I saw that things weren't working at all. I would try something and then fail, so I would try something else and fail. This created a vicious negative feedback loop that just kept building. I saw that whichever way I turned, A key part of me would be torn out and I kept tieing myself into a Gordian Knot. I created it in such a way that I saw the only way out was to slice the knot and to not choose between the two. This led to me taking some pills and ending up in the Psych ward. There I met a great shrink who actually listened to my situation and tried his best to understand the paradox of my situation. He touched upon a concept that got my mind working, and then My roommate, a devout Mormon RM who is great, said something that really put my mind into overdrive in seeing a way out. I do not remember what he said, but it got me to the point of realizing that I don't need the church and religion to worship God, that I can follow the 11th Article of Faith. This has put me in an interesting spot because I begin to see a disconnect between the Church and the Gospel. I am still in the process of assesing where the differences in minutia appear, but in seeing them I have begun to appreciate myself and my Lord far more than I ever have. I feel that this framework of worship that I am developing for myself is right for me. I feel this truth with the same feeling of rightness that was felt in knowing that the Lord lives and that He Attoned for me. I feel so strongly about this that I am staking my exhaltation on this. I know that I am lucky because once I realized that I was gay, I was okay with that, I was comfortable with that fact and although there are somtimes that I wish that I wasn't, I have been for the most part, free from the agony and anguish associated with discovery. I know that I have a long and uneasy road ahead of me and I hope to weather the road with as much sanity as possible. I hope to use this blog to connect with other MoHos regardless of where they stand on the issue of religion in their lives. I also hope to use this blog as a tool for those who are struggling out there with this, I want you to know that you are not alone, and that you are a good person, and that while it might feel so at times, there is never any reason to take your life, It is just NOT worth it. It is for that reason that I hide nothing about my identity here. This is my primary email address and the link to my facebook is my primary facebook, I am who I say I am and I want you to know that you don't need to suffer or struggle alone. If anyone ever wants to contact me, feel free to shoot me an email, I will respond and will try to offer my help as limited as it might be.
Being raised in the church, I grew up expecting to go on a mission, go to BYU, get Married, produce 4 kids, and live happily ever after. Looking back on my life, as early as the age of 7 I can remember feeling attracted to boys rather than girls, but I knew how I was meant to be, I knew the plan as described above and so I figured it would pass. I pushed those thoughts, those feelings to the back of my mind and forgot about them. I can remember distinct times when I felt I was gay, but those too I repressed. The first time that this idea of the perfect life for me was challenged was when I was 10. My parents started to fight and I realized that starting a family wasn't "happily ever after." At 12 I started looking at things differently, but I still hid the fact that I was gay from myself under many different layers and guises that I am still attempting to fully unravel and expose. just before I turned 13, my parents got divorced and I became and adult. (See here 1:38-3:00) At this time I began thinking like an adult, I comforted my mother, and my life became dedicated towards someone other than myself, and the repression got much deeper. At 16 I left home and moved back to Utah to finish my senior year of high school. I then, at 17, Went down to BYU, where free from the responsibilities of any adulthood that I had experienced prior, I started my adolescence. I started to rebel against all I had known in the church and yet still I repressed the knowledge that I was Gay even though my actions said otherwise. At 18 I eventually felt the guilt that was inevitable from my actions, and I confessed everything I had done to my BYU bishop, who told me that I wasn't Gay, just misguided, and then he let me finish out the week/semester at BYU before promptly throwing me out to my home ward and with no back up plan for school. I scrambled fast and left BYU, just barely getting into the University of Utah for fall of `07 I went to school there while working with my Bishop and former scoutmaster who is great, but who saw my problems differently than they really are. For a Year, I was the perfect member, I went to every meeting, read my scriptures, said my prayers, fasted, did my home teaching and was the most studious in my Sunday School class. I still hoped to go on a mission, get married, and have the whole picket fence with kids in the yard. I knew that my mission would be postponed, and so I extended to one of my best friends from BYU, a convert with very little in material wealth, an offer to pay for his mission. So did another family and so I was even covering the mission of one of my friends at the age of 19. One year after being removed from BYU, I was doing great, I thought I had everything on track, I would graduate in the summer of `09 and then go on my mission. I was headed for an internship in Washington DC when on the plane, my electronics batteries failed me and I was left to introspection. It hit me that It had been about one year and so I saw where I was before and presently. I realized that the motivation for coming clean to my bishop was the lack of feeling the spirit in my life, I still had yet to feel the spirit within that one year and I came to see that in actuality all I had learned was self-mastery. I hadn't really improved at all. After further introspection I realized that the problem was how I was looking at it. I saw 4 fingers because I was lloking at the problem when I should have seen eight by looking beyond the problem. I finnally realized I was Gay. I then over the course of 2 months spent some time coming out to anothergay intern who helped me appreciate myself and realize that I wasn't evil. I struggled with the paradox offered by this situation, and sought out help groups like North Star, but things didn't feel right. I rollercoasted between going to clubs and avoiding all contact with any gay or gay friendly person. I decided that I needed to come out to my parents and so I did and my Dad is very supportive of me being happy no matter what I chose, but my mother's opinion whose I value a lot, was such that she believed that I thought I was gay, and that even if I was, I still had to remain chaste and that was that. We still haven't talked me that much and I think it is best to hold off a little right now. She has a lot on her plate at present. A week before Thanksgiving I saw that things weren't working at all. I would try something and then fail, so I would try something else and fail. This created a vicious negative feedback loop that just kept building. I saw that whichever way I turned, A key part of me would be torn out and I kept tieing myself into a Gordian Knot. I created it in such a way that I saw the only way out was to slice the knot and to not choose between the two. This led to me taking some pills and ending up in the Psych ward. There I met a great shrink who actually listened to my situation and tried his best to understand the paradox of my situation. He touched upon a concept that got my mind working, and then My roommate, a devout Mormon RM who is great, said something that really put my mind into overdrive in seeing a way out. I do not remember what he said, but it got me to the point of realizing that I don't need the church and religion to worship God, that I can follow the 11th Article of Faith. This has put me in an interesting spot because I begin to see a disconnect between the Church and the Gospel. I am still in the process of assesing where the differences in minutia appear, but in seeing them I have begun to appreciate myself and my Lord far more than I ever have. I feel that this framework of worship that I am developing for myself is right for me. I feel this truth with the same feeling of rightness that was felt in knowing that the Lord lives and that He Attoned for me. I feel so strongly about this that I am staking my exhaltation on this. I know that I am lucky because once I realized that I was gay, I was okay with that, I was comfortable with that fact and although there are somtimes that I wish that I wasn't, I have been for the most part, free from the agony and anguish associated with discovery. I know that I have a long and uneasy road ahead of me and I hope to weather the road with as much sanity as possible. I hope to use this blog to connect with other MoHos regardless of where they stand on the issue of religion in their lives. I also hope to use this blog as a tool for those who are struggling out there with this, I want you to know that you are not alone, and that you are a good person, and that while it might feel so at times, there is never any reason to take your life, It is just NOT worth it. It is for that reason that I hide nothing about my identity here. This is my primary email address and the link to my facebook is my primary facebook, I am who I say I am and I want you to know that you don't need to suffer or struggle alone. If anyone ever wants to contact me, feel free to shoot me an email, I will respond and will try to offer my help as limited as it might be.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Archaic Internet Superstitions
This is one thing I really Hate. When people assume that because of their age they know more about everything than someone obviously younger than them. That said, Here is the Story:
I am sitting here in the public atrium of the Smithsonian National Portrait Gallery, A place that offers free Wi-Fi, tables, a cafe, and an overall great place to work on my research paper. I have been here for about two and a half hours with my laptop plugged into a power source right next to me, and connected to their free internet. I am pounding away looking at different topics, while rocking out to my iTunes, when all of a sudden a security guard comes over to me and immediately thratens to remove me from the atrium if I do not unplug my laptop. Me, being the social rebel I am have to know why, so I ask her, here is her response. "If you have your laptop connected to our power, then you will overload or system... with a virus" It took all I had not to bust out laughing when she was afraid of me transmitting a virus to the Smithsonian institute through my power cord. Now that I know the reason for such assinine rules as to why I can't have my power for my macbook, I try to fight it. I try to explain to her that it is physically impossible to overload her system by being connected to a power source. that in order for a virus to be transmitted all I would need would be to connect to their free wi-fi and hack my way in past their lacking security. She is not ammused with my logic and decides to raise her voice, during a choir performance i might add, to say "Look I am not going to argue with you, all I know is that you will crash our system if you stay plugged in, so you either unplug right now, Or you leave now." Seeing that this will not get me anywhere, I unplug and get back to work. But of course, this is not the end of the story.
about 3 minutes later, the security captain and his second come over and tell me that I can't be pluged into their power system. I explained to him that I understood their archaic concerns and that was why I was still unplugged and had not plugged back in. I decided to try my logc case once more on this higher ranking official explaining that the reason I was given was that I would crash their system with a virus through my power cord and how that was an impossibillity. His response was true to form. "Well actually that's not why, It is because there are so many little children running around that we don't want them to trip and hurt themselves over your powercord." ( My cord was plugged into the wall that I had my chair against and so impossible for anyone to trip over) This one got me and I really wanted to argue further, but I could see their contempt for my youth and I knew that they would not listen to what I say so I put in my headphones and got back to work. I find it ironically hillarious that in America, the Meritocracy that we are, everyone is so ignorant to everyone elses position because we all see that we are the absolute fountain of knowledge. I know that I fall into this category often, but in this case I obviously knew more about the physicall limits on viruses being transmitted through power cords and yet I was ignored and discriminated because of my apperance. Well my paper calls and so I shall leave you with this nugget of knowledge.
"Any kind of royalty, however modified, any kind of aristocracy, however pruned, is rightly an insult." Mark Twain
I am sitting here in the public atrium of the Smithsonian National Portrait Gallery, A place that offers free Wi-Fi, tables, a cafe, and an overall great place to work on my research paper. I have been here for about two and a half hours with my laptop plugged into a power source right next to me, and connected to their free internet. I am pounding away looking at different topics, while rocking out to my iTunes, when all of a sudden a security guard comes over to me and immediately thratens to remove me from the atrium if I do not unplug my laptop. Me, being the social rebel I am have to know why, so I ask her, here is her response. "If you have your laptop connected to our power, then you will overload or system... with a virus" It took all I had not to bust out laughing when she was afraid of me transmitting a virus to the Smithsonian institute through my power cord. Now that I know the reason for such assinine rules as to why I can't have my power for my macbook, I try to fight it. I try to explain to her that it is physically impossible to overload her system by being connected to a power source. that in order for a virus to be transmitted all I would need would be to connect to their free wi-fi and hack my way in past their lacking security. She is not ammused with my logic and decides to raise her voice, during a choir performance i might add, to say "Look I am not going to argue with you, all I know is that you will crash our system if you stay plugged in, so you either unplug right now, Or you leave now." Seeing that this will not get me anywhere, I unplug and get back to work. But of course, this is not the end of the story.
about 3 minutes later, the security captain and his second come over and tell me that I can't be pluged into their power system. I explained to him that I understood their archaic concerns and that was why I was still unplugged and had not plugged back in. I decided to try my logc case once more on this higher ranking official explaining that the reason I was given was that I would crash their system with a virus through my power cord and how that was an impossibillity. His response was true to form. "Well actually that's not why, It is because there are so many little children running around that we don't want them to trip and hurt themselves over your powercord." ( My cord was plugged into the wall that I had my chair against and so impossible for anyone to trip over) This one got me and I really wanted to argue further, but I could see their contempt for my youth and I knew that they would not listen to what I say so I put in my headphones and got back to work. I find it ironically hillarious that in America, the Meritocracy that we are, everyone is so ignorant to everyone elses position because we all see that we are the absolute fountain of knowledge. I know that I fall into this category often, but in this case I obviously knew more about the physicall limits on viruses being transmitted through power cords and yet I was ignored and discriminated because of my apperance. Well my paper calls and so I shall leave you with this nugget of knowledge.
"Any kind of royalty, however modified, any kind of aristocracy, however pruned, is rightly an insult." Mark Twain
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wisdom of the Crowds
“Why are Zagat restaurant guides so popular? Partly it is because they are a convenient guide to all the restaurants in town. But their real power derives from the fact that the reviews are the reports of volunteers – of diners who want to share their opinions with others. Somehow that represents a more compelling recommendation than the opinion of an expert whose job it is to rate restaurants.” – Tipping Point Malcolm Gladwell
What happens when we compare this principle to massive amounts of reviewers rather than just a handful? We start to gather the wisdom of the crowds. If we can get several “Mavens” to contribute their knowledge, as well as the long tail of other collaborators, then we can, through the law of large numbers, end up with a better sense of Wisdom rather than a sense of intelligence offered by the opinion of one person. If you can harness this power you can create far more than any one person alone could. Think about this, We all know that "Two heads are better than one," but yet we are reluctant to continue this principle into any realm of politics, or any other situations either. We are content having one leader make the decisions when collectively we are smarter than he, I wish others would see that we can and should start colaborating more on every project.
What happens when we compare this principle to massive amounts of reviewers rather than just a handful? We start to gather the wisdom of the crowds. If we can get several “Mavens” to contribute their knowledge, as well as the long tail of other collaborators, then we can, through the law of large numbers, end up with a better sense of Wisdom rather than a sense of intelligence offered by the opinion of one person. If you can harness this power you can create far more than any one person alone could. Think about this, We all know that "Two heads are better than one," but yet we are reluctant to continue this principle into any realm of politics, or any other situations either. We are content having one leader make the decisions when collectively we are smarter than he, I wish others would see that we can and should start colaborating more on every project.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The Founding Fathers Were Incomplete
Our government can not just be a mass of people "digging" up and down like the Romans gave thumbs up and down at the Colosseum, but it must be a forum for discussion and debate. Democracy is much more than just the power of the vote, as citizens, it is our right to engage in a political debate, and that we must.
The founding fathers saw the American people, very similar to that of the Roman populous. The technology was very similar, the religion was a little bit different, and we had a little bit better technology and learning, but not all that much. Therefore, they relied on the Roman system to provide the backbone of our government. Now however, we have grown exponentially smarter and far larger than the Founding Fathers ever imagined us to and yet we still have virtually the same document guiding our lives. We have clarified a few things, and changed some clerical issues, but largely our government has remained unchanged from the original model.
We can download more information in one day than Jefferson had available in his lifetime, and yet we are still relying on the wisdom of our ancestors who have no clue what we are dealing with, and had no way to predict it. We need a change in the current system of governance, but rather than scrap the old and start from scratch, I suggest that we shift our reliance away from the wisdom of the Fathers, and onto the wisdom of the crowds. The wisdom that has brought us Wikipedia. In 1776, everyone was a "Troll," Those with experience were the outlier, but now, only 2-3% of the Internet make up consists of "trolls" (Eric Schmidt - CEO of Google, New America Foundation)
The Founding fathers pooled their knowledge together in order to form a more perfect union, and they succeeded, but it is time to increase that perfection and get out of this quagmire of bureaucracy and red tape in order to have a Government that is Of, By, and For the people.
Obama's Change.gov has started to do that by providing all their material with a Creative Commons Copyright, Promting open discussions through a great system that can track your participation and thus promote those who participate more, by providing a response to these comments in video format, and though there are some things lacking from a perfect system, It is leaps and bounds above any other .gov website, I believe it is a step in the right direction.
The founding fathers saw the American people, very similar to that of the Roman populous. The technology was very similar, the religion was a little bit different, and we had a little bit better technology and learning, but not all that much. Therefore, they relied on the Roman system to provide the backbone of our government. Now however, we have grown exponentially smarter and far larger than the Founding Fathers ever imagined us to and yet we still have virtually the same document guiding our lives. We have clarified a few things, and changed some clerical issues, but largely our government has remained unchanged from the original model.
We can download more information in one day than Jefferson had available in his lifetime, and yet we are still relying on the wisdom of our ancestors who have no clue what we are dealing with, and had no way to predict it. We need a change in the current system of governance, but rather than scrap the old and start from scratch, I suggest that we shift our reliance away from the wisdom of the Fathers, and onto the wisdom of the crowds. The wisdom that has brought us Wikipedia. In 1776, everyone was a "Troll," Those with experience were the outlier, but now, only 2-3% of the Internet make up consists of "trolls" (Eric Schmidt - CEO of Google, New America Foundation)
The Founding fathers pooled their knowledge together in order to form a more perfect union, and they succeeded, but it is time to increase that perfection and get out of this quagmire of bureaucracy and red tape in order to have a Government that is Of, By, and For the people.
Obama's Change.gov has started to do that by providing all their material with a Creative Commons Copyright, Promting open discussions through a great system that can track your participation and thus promote those who participate more, by providing a response to these comments in video format, and though there are some things lacking from a perfect system, It is leaps and bounds above any other .gov website, I believe it is a step in the right direction.
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