So I now, armed with more knowledge, have come full circle yet again and have a choice before me. The choice is my answer to the question, “What do I do in the meantime?” I plan to, once revelation is given, do what is right. But as to the meantime I see two choices and the typical non-choice.
|TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,|
|And sorry I could not travel both|
|And be one traveler, long I stood|
|And looked down one as far as I could|
|To where it bent in the undergrowth;||5|
|Then took the other, as just as fair,|
|And having perhaps the better claim,|
|Because it was grassy and wanted wear;|
|Though as for that the passing there|
|Had worn them really about the same,||10|
|And both that morning equally lay|
|In leaves no step had trodden black.|
So I have one option of devoting myself to the church while I wait for them to figure things out and clean house. Committing myself to the Church fully by continuing to prepare and to serve a full-time honorable mission. Waiting for everything has the negative effect of going against my created state and of taking temple covenants that are with God and not with the Church and so breaking them carries a stronger implication for me.
Or I have another option of temporarily abandoning the church much like it has abandoned me. Follow what I feel is right and what I feel is coming down the pipeline of revelation. This would include steady dating and courtship while I looked for a husband. This has the negative effect of, should I be wrong and the revelation is anti-gay, then what would I do? Leave my husband and kids for the Church? Stay with them but live in celibacy? Live in sin and bite my thumb at the Church? So committing there also gives me great concern.
There is of course the third option of stagnancy, but I feel as if stagnancy is death and so I don’t want to really follow the third path much longer.
This is a decision I will have to make after I get my letter back from Elder Clayton and my Stake President and resend it again to the First Presidency and get their response. But I think it might be good to look at which path I would choose for the waiting period for continuing revelation. This is of particular significance to me because each one of these paths could have major effects on my plans for the future and future geographical locations.
So, great vast blogging world, while I know that it is ultimately my decision, your input – public or private – would be greatly appreciated. Please comment and try to persuade me either way because I am on the fence right now. I wonder if this was how I decided whose plan to follow before I got here? A lot of fence sitting perhaps? Maybe that is why I like fencing so much!