So I now, armed with more knowledge, have come full circle yet again and have a choice before me. The choice is my answer to the question, “What do I do in the meantime?” I plan to, once revelation is given, do what is right. But as to the meantime I see two choices and the typical non-choice.
| TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, | |
| And sorry I could not travel both | |
| And be one traveler, long I stood | |
| And looked down one as far as I could | |
| To where it bent in the undergrowth; | 5 |
| Then took the other, as just as fair, | |
| And having perhaps the better claim, | |
| Because it was grassy and wanted wear; | |
| Though as for that the passing there | |
| Had worn them really about the same, | 10 |
| And both that morning equally lay | |
| In leaves no step had trodden black. |
So I have one option of devoting myself to the church while I wait for them to figure things out and clean house. Committing myself to the Church fully by continuing to prepare and to serve a full-time honorable mission. Waiting for everything has the negative effect of going against my created state and of taking temple covenants that are with God and not with the Church and so breaking them carries a stronger implication for me.
Or I have another option of temporarily abandoning the church much like it has abandoned me. Follow what I feel is right and what I feel is coming down the pipeline of revelation. This would include steady dating and courtship while I looked for a husband. This has the negative effect of, should I be wrong and the revelation is anti-gay, then what would I do? Leave my husband and kids for the Church? Stay with them but live in celibacy? Live in sin and bite my thumb at the Church? So committing there also gives me great concern.
There is of course the third option of stagnancy, but I feel as if stagnancy is death and so I don’t want to really follow the third path much longer.
This is a decision I will have to make after I get my letter back from Elder Clayton and my Stake President and resend it again to the First Presidency and get their response. But I think it might be good to look at which path I would choose for the waiting period for continuing revelation. This is of particular significance to me because each one of these paths could have major effects on my plans for the future and future geographical locations.
So, great vast blogging world, while I know that it is ultimately my decision, your input – public or private – would be greatly appreciated. Please comment and try to persuade me either way because I am on the fence right now. I wonder if this was how I decided whose plan to follow before I got here? A lot of fence sitting perhaps? Maybe that is why I like fencing so much!
David, I think you would find very few who have regretted serving a mission. It won't change your gay nature, but it will help you to know better the spiritual nature of David. Your service will always be counted as a blessing for you and those whom you serve.
ReplyDeleteIf you have a testimony of the gospel and want to serve the Lord and fellowman, I would recommend going. You will learn and grow in ways unimaginable. Service is a true sign of discipleship.
If a revelation comes later, great! Your service will not have been minimized at all. If it does not come, perhaps you will have acquired the faith, commitment, discipline and desire to live a life that you feel is consistent with your knowledge of the gospel.
If the revelation doesn't come, you have served, and take a male partner, you will still have showed your faith, blessed the lives of others and grown from the sacrifice. The potential downside is the issue of broken covenants. In this area, I have to rely on the mercy and understanding of a loving Father who knows the intent of our hearts. I have to rely on the saving power of the atonement of his Son.
Whatever the choice you make, I firmly believe that your spiritual core cannot be ignored, and hope that you will find ways to nourish your soul.
Good luck David. It is truly wonderful that God has given us agency. Look how much you have grown working through these important choices.
No matter the choice you make, I will always respect you for taking these choices so seriously. and for the effort you are making to understand and follow God's will for you.
I haven't been on a mission, but I was married once. I know that being endowed has truly been a blessing in my life. The temple is an amazing place where you learn a lot about the eternal perspective of things. If I wasn't endowed, I think I would be having much more of a difficult time with this struggle, and we both know that it's hard enough.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you can find the path that you're searching for. Just know that even if you don't find the specific answers you're hoping to find, answers will still come. You just might have to look a little harder to see them.
I know that you're not taking these issues and questions lightly, so I hope that at least you can find the peace that you are looking for.
Good luck.
Sometimes 'on the fence' is a good place to be. It often allows us to objectively see both sides as well as alternative paths we didn't know existed. That being said, I want to assure you that you are NOT a "fence sitter." You are actively searching for answers, you're pouring out your soul in the quest to find what's right, and you're giving everything you have. That is VERY DIFFERENT than 'fence sitting.'
ReplyDeleteA couple thoughts-
*I don't think that missions are for everyone, and I can't tell you whether or not you should go. That's something very personal between you and Heavenly Father. I do advise you that whether you go or not, ultimately please let your decision be based upon you and upon God and His will, not on social pressures or anyone else's recommendations either for or against it.
*After you've made a decision (about lifestyle), give it some time; maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe more. Let it sink in, observe your feelings and thoughts and impressions. Are you happy? Do you feel as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders? Do you feel at peace?
*Remember Obi-wan: Trust your feelings.
*Maybe this isn't quite so black-and-white with one right choice and one wrong choice. Perhaps both of the options you are considering are or can be noble and good in God's eyes. I honestly don't know.
*Life is a process of learning, emphasis on PROCESS! It is my personal opinion that maybe it's not so much about every single decision you make as it is about how you're living your life and what direction you're headed. Sometimes we discover the right path by taking the wrong one/s and learning from those experiences. I don't think that your salvation depends on any one decision, even one as big as this. Do you try to do what's right? Yes. Anyone can see that. Do you sometimes fail? Of course. Welcome to the human race! Do you learn from your mistakes? Hopefully. Do you treat others with kindness and respect? From what I've seen. Love? Absolutely. Do you care about someone or something greater than yourself? Without a doubt.
*Please remember that God loves you no matter what.