Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Friends 0_o?

So before I left for DC back in August, I had a decent group of friends up at the LDS Institute. These were not my best friends, I have only ever had three of those, but they were my group of guys to just hang out with. Now I have always been a loner, an introvert if you will. Only rarely did I ever have any of my close friendships overlap with one another. In July the last of my three best friends left for the MTC and that left me alone, without a true friend. I tried to fill that vacancy with the friends I had met through the Institute, but it seemed so superficial, ike I had to maintain an extra facade. In late August I left for DC where I cam out to myself. I probably should have realized that I was gay about 50 times before that, but my upper level subconcious kept drowning out the deep rootings of my psyche. Well Now I am back and I have gone to two activities with this same group of guys. They are all straight, and don't know I am gay. Nothing has changed on their end, but during each of these activities, I have felt just horrible hiding this giant part of who I am to these guys. I have left both activities extremely down and I wanted to console myself by doing destructive things. I didn't and I applaud myself for that, but should I stop putting myself in that situation, or ride it out in silence? Should I come out to them as a precursor to coming out to my RM friends, or should I just drop them like a sack of dirty laundry? I know that I need to try to become less introverted, it is a plague of mine that needs to end soon, but should I try with this group, or move on to someone else? Any advice?


  1. I think coming out should be done on a need to know basis, at least initially. Before you take this step with them or anyone else, or make any serious decision in life, actually, ask yourself: what is the purpose and goal of doing this? What good would be accomplished? How would my and other lives be affected? What is the downside for me and others? If on balance the results are positive for you and/or others, then it may be good to take the step. If not, it is usually best to wait.

    You don't have a "responsibility" to come out to any of these guys. Your orientation is a very personal private thing. Granted, coming out can be a liberating experience, but sometimes it can rebound too, depending on who you tell. You don't need to come out to these friends in order to be less introverted, especially if they're the ones you are not quite as close to.

    Nor do you need to "drop them like a sack of dirty laundry." This is not an "all or nothing" game (pardon the allusion!). If you accept that you don't have to brazenly advertise your orientation to everyone in order to be authentic or less introverted, then you can still enjoy your association with these friends while deciding case by case when and with whom coming out would be a positive thing.

  2. Being totally out, I would recommend never ever quitting being friends with someone merely because you aren't sure how they will react to the news you are gay. You can't predict how anyone will react (even if they make gay jokes all the time or come off as 'uber-mormon' or anything). If they can't handle being friends with you because of that, it is extremely sad for you, but ultimately their issue.

    My experience on many occasions was they reacted opposite of what I expected. When I expected them to react badly and we would slowly stop being friends, they did the opposite and we are incredibly close now.

  3. I was in the same position last year. I had a group of good gay friends and then I had my BYU friends. I intended on coming out to them after coming out to my parents. I ended up reversing that order.

    It actually was great preparation in coming out to my parents. I got supportive e-mails and messages from BYU and mission friends. They affirmed their respect and recognized my courage in choosing this path. That gave me the moral boost to come out to my parents.

    And now, it's as if nothing has really changed. My boyfriend and I hang with them from time to time, but they treat me with the same respect they did previously.

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